It’s our 7th anniversary! We both took today off to spend time together but to also visit day care centers. The show must go on. We will be touring day care centers that are close to my job. Women who are thinking about getting pregnant put their children on waiting lists, so why shouldn’t we. Plus the thoroughness of our agency requires that we provide information on a care plan for the baby. So we must continue to plan.
As I reflect on the meaning of this anniversary, the number 7 in the bible represents completion. We have completed a phase in our life that was very tumultuous and full of uncertainty. Not that we won’t face such things again, but we know that we can get through them. We can predict each other’s actions and words (it’s so creepy). Ted does an uncanny yet overexaggerated impression of me getting ready for work in the morning. So we have completed the phase of “getting to know you” at least the “getting to know the initial you”. Of course we are growing but now we are growing together. And just for fun, Chris Rock is right. Marriage is boring. Lol! No, it’s just regular. But that’s what makes it so good.
What else is in store today? Other than food, I’m not sure, but I know I will enjoy my time with my husband. Things have been a little tense considering our recent disappointment. But we will get through this as we do all things. Ted joked that I have been looking at him, as if I’m saying, “What in the world did I get myself into 7 years ago”. As usual, a man trying to read a woman’s mind is unsuccessful. My look is really saying “Even though you are dancing on my last nerve, I’m in it for the long haul. In good times and bad, my life would not be the same without you. I love our times together, the regular times and the once in a life – times”.
To my homeyloverfriend, my boo, my lifemate. I love you. Here’s to looking forward to year 8, a year of new beginnings.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
When God Says No
I was trying to decide on a title for this post. Originally I was going to call it the Black Friday Hustle and you’ll see why in a moment. But this title seemed appropriate when on Saturday morning I read Our Daily Bread, which talked about dealing with disappointment of wanting something and God says no, at least for a moment.
On this past Friday, Black Friday, Ted and I were sitting at our kitchen table, finishing our dinner (leftovers of course). I got a text on my phone. Initially it was hard for me to decipher. I thought it was one of those messages telling me that my entry had one, when I hadn’t entered for anything. But it wasn’t. It was a cold-call. A healthy, biracial baby boy had been born on Thanksgiving and the mother decided to make an adoption plan. She wanted to choose the family that night and wanted to meet the family on Saturday, the planned day of discharge for the baby. Once I focused and was able to decipher the message, I think I screamed, jumped up and down. I’m not really sure, but I was excited. I didn’t recognize the number so that added to the confusion. In the midst of my excitement I tried to tell Ted, rather incoherently what the message said. I texted and responded that we were interested because they needed a response by 6 pm, we got the message at 4:44 pm. It was like being in an emergency situation and you forget all of your training. I told Ted to call the number back and he says but you should go to the portal. I’m thinking I don’t think so, but I did and he called the number back. It was the head of the agency so that assured us that it was a real message. She told us she got our message and that correspondences were by phone for cold-calls. She would send us updates on the progress of the situation.
We were instantly in a whirlwind of thoughts and activity. I paced the floor, with a million thoughts. Ted sat and tried to appear calm. I looked around the house and distressed over the disorganization and the dust. Oh and the the baby’s room. While we have furniture, it is nowhere near ready at least to our satisfaction. We haven’t painted or decorated and we don’t have a glider yet. I would need a glider to rock the baby. All these things were flooding my brain. We didn’t know whether to wait to hear anything or whether to take action and be prepared just in case. We chose the latter.
We rushed to the bank before it closed to withdraw the placement costs. When we returned home, we did the most important preparation of all. We prayed. We prayed and anointed the baby’s room with consecrated oil and the furniture in it. And we anointed each other. We prayed for God’s will above all else. We wanted this to work, but we knew we had to yield to His will. After we prayed and wiped our tears, we settled back down. But only for a moment. I pulled up our registries to see what we needed. Just about everything. We didn’t even have diapers. We only had samples of diapers and formula from classes and registry enrollment gifts. At 6:07, we were notified that the profiles of the interested families were delivered to the hospital and that the mother may make a decision as late as tomorrow morning.
Ted went downstairs to watch football and to pretend like it was just another evening. I told him I needed to call someone. He cautioned that we should wait. I agreed although it was hard. We decided that we would wait to go to the store until we heard something. But I couldn’t sit still so I decided to go to Babies R Us to purchase essentials. My thinking was what if we were chosen and we had to pick up the baby the next day, we would need diapers and formula at least. It seemed logical. Ted made sure I had my phone in case the agency called. He wanted me to act like it was going to happen and that our prayers were finally answered.
I was driving down 270 and I pulled my phone out of my purse. I usually have it out but I was in such a rush, I forgot to take it out. I removed it from my purse I could hear any call. My music was up a little loud which is typical. I didn’t hear my phone but I saw a message pop up. It was 7:50 pm. It was a text from the agency again providing another update. The update we didn’t want. I didn’t have time to cry, I was on the highway and it was dark. I was going to turn around but I decided we would need stuff at some point so I proceeded. I texted a sad face to Ted. No words were needed.
This was one of the most difficult store trips in my life. I was in a bit of a daze. I tried to focus and get the essential items. I succeeded but it was painful. Not only dealing with the disappointment of what had just happened and buying things for some date that is unknown. But there were very happy pregnant women in the store with their husbands/boyfriends and it was a like a double reminder of what has yet to happen in my life and our lives. It was almost unbearable.
I have yet to shed tear. I’m sure it will hit me when I least expect it as most grief does for me. But when Ted and I prayed we were very clear in our petition. That whatever baby is ours let it be clear to us that this is the one. Let the birthmother pass us by if that is not our baby. I don’t claim to have a direct line to God or always know when He’s speaking to me. All year we have been claiming to have a baby by the end of the year. I felt that the baby we would have would be via a cold call and that it would be a boy. Perhaps I’m mistaken or maybe we’ll get a call on Dec. 31 at 11:59 pm. Who knows. One thing we cannot do is lose heart and faith. We are confident that this is indeed what God has called us to do. We are to press in and not turn away from His guidance and wisdom. Because right now, we need it more than ever.
Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. – Hebrews 11:1 NLT
On this past Friday, Black Friday, Ted and I were sitting at our kitchen table, finishing our dinner (leftovers of course). I got a text on my phone. Initially it was hard for me to decipher. I thought it was one of those messages telling me that my entry had one, when I hadn’t entered for anything. But it wasn’t. It was a cold-call. A healthy, biracial baby boy had been born on Thanksgiving and the mother decided to make an adoption plan. She wanted to choose the family that night and wanted to meet the family on Saturday, the planned day of discharge for the baby. Once I focused and was able to decipher the message, I think I screamed, jumped up and down. I’m not really sure, but I was excited. I didn’t recognize the number so that added to the confusion. In the midst of my excitement I tried to tell Ted, rather incoherently what the message said. I texted and responded that we were interested because they needed a response by 6 pm, we got the message at 4:44 pm. It was like being in an emergency situation and you forget all of your training. I told Ted to call the number back and he says but you should go to the portal. I’m thinking I don’t think so, but I did and he called the number back. It was the head of the agency so that assured us that it was a real message. She told us she got our message and that correspondences were by phone for cold-calls. She would send us updates on the progress of the situation.
We were instantly in a whirlwind of thoughts and activity. I paced the floor, with a million thoughts. Ted sat and tried to appear calm. I looked around the house and distressed over the disorganization and the dust. Oh and the the baby’s room. While we have furniture, it is nowhere near ready at least to our satisfaction. We haven’t painted or decorated and we don’t have a glider yet. I would need a glider to rock the baby. All these things were flooding my brain. We didn’t know whether to wait to hear anything or whether to take action and be prepared just in case. We chose the latter.
We rushed to the bank before it closed to withdraw the placement costs. When we returned home, we did the most important preparation of all. We prayed. We prayed and anointed the baby’s room with consecrated oil and the furniture in it. And we anointed each other. We prayed for God’s will above all else. We wanted this to work, but we knew we had to yield to His will. After we prayed and wiped our tears, we settled back down. But only for a moment. I pulled up our registries to see what we needed. Just about everything. We didn’t even have diapers. We only had samples of diapers and formula from classes and registry enrollment gifts. At 6:07, we were notified that the profiles of the interested families were delivered to the hospital and that the mother may make a decision as late as tomorrow morning.
Ted went downstairs to watch football and to pretend like it was just another evening. I told him I needed to call someone. He cautioned that we should wait. I agreed although it was hard. We decided that we would wait to go to the store until we heard something. But I couldn’t sit still so I decided to go to Babies R Us to purchase essentials. My thinking was what if we were chosen and we had to pick up the baby the next day, we would need diapers and formula at least. It seemed logical. Ted made sure I had my phone in case the agency called. He wanted me to act like it was going to happen and that our prayers were finally answered.
I was driving down 270 and I pulled my phone out of my purse. I usually have it out but I was in such a rush, I forgot to take it out. I removed it from my purse I could hear any call. My music was up a little loud which is typical. I didn’t hear my phone but I saw a message pop up. It was 7:50 pm. It was a text from the agency again providing another update. The update we didn’t want. I didn’t have time to cry, I was on the highway and it was dark. I was going to turn around but I decided we would need stuff at some point so I proceeded. I texted a sad face to Ted. No words were needed.
This was one of the most difficult store trips in my life. I was in a bit of a daze. I tried to focus and get the essential items. I succeeded but it was painful. Not only dealing with the disappointment of what had just happened and buying things for some date that is unknown. But there were very happy pregnant women in the store with their husbands/boyfriends and it was a like a double reminder of what has yet to happen in my life and our lives. It was almost unbearable.
I have yet to shed tear. I’m sure it will hit me when I least expect it as most grief does for me. But when Ted and I prayed we were very clear in our petition. That whatever baby is ours let it be clear to us that this is the one. Let the birthmother pass us by if that is not our baby. I don’t claim to have a direct line to God or always know when He’s speaking to me. All year we have been claiming to have a baby by the end of the year. I felt that the baby we would have would be via a cold call and that it would be a boy. Perhaps I’m mistaken or maybe we’ll get a call on Dec. 31 at 11:59 pm. Who knows. One thing we cannot do is lose heart and faith. We are confident that this is indeed what God has called us to do. We are to press in and not turn away from His guidance and wisdom. Because right now, we need it more than ever.
Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. – Hebrews 11:1 NLT
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Happy National Adoption Awareness Day!
The focus of this day is to bring awareness to adoption from foster care. It encourages people to adopt a child from foster care through various events, websites, media postings, etc. Actually the whole month of November is Adoption Awareness Month.
Although we are adopting privately and not through foster care, we offer our full support to this effort. Every child needs a GOOD home. EVERY CHILD, no matter how old.
We do see ourselves going through this system at some point, but in the meantime will certainly advocate for all legal forms of adoption.
For more information visit nationaladoptionday.org. This month we will add more adoption resources to our blog and may highlight a few through posts. Please see this very short PSA. Get your kleenex :)
Although we are adopting privately and not through foster care, we offer our full support to this effort. Every child needs a GOOD home. EVERY CHILD, no matter how old.
We do see ourselves going through this system at some point, but in the meantime will certainly advocate for all legal forms of adoption.
For more information visit nationaladoptionday.org. This month we will add more adoption resources to our blog and may highlight a few through posts. Please see this very short PSA. Get your kleenex :)
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Dear Birthmother… Please pick us!
If everything goes as planned today, a birthmother will view our profile. We are cautiously excited. We got a message from our agency yesterday that there was an expectant mom ready to view profiles of families and that we needed to respond if interested. Heck yea we’re interested! Of course we can’t reveal the details but the background of the birthmom is one that we are very pleased with.
Now this isn’t our first time down this road. I mentioned in our last post, which was a while ago, that, once we we’re approved there were 3 birthmoms looking for families. We were excited beyond belief. Well, the first mom who was due in a few weeks and needed families right away, chose another family ☹ Then the second mom, who had been looking at families for a while decided on a family she was already viewing and never saw our profile. That was fair, but I just wish they had not put her in the mix. The third mom is still undecided and has not viewed families yet.
So obviously we have reason to proceed with some caution. I am almost glad for going through this experience because I was getting the impression that this was going to be super easy. We’re a black family looking for a black or bi-racial baby. But God said, hold your horses and be patient.
Since then we have been patient and have just gone on with our lives. Which could be a reason for my lack of posts. Ted describes it as being at a party waiting to be asked to dance. It’s a lot like that. It’s also like being on the Amazing Race where you get all of these cryptic instructions to do this or that, but everyone is at the finish line at the same time and someone has to choose a “winner”.
Here we are again, technically being shown a second time, but we have experienced the emotions of requesting to be shown to four birthmoms. Here are a few lessons that we are learning in our wait and we hope that this can serve as advice to those who may be considering adoption:
1) Live your life – as my mom used to say to me the best way to get a guy’s attention is to ignore him. She always comforted me when I was distraught over some knucklehead. But the same holds true here. While Ted was chilled, not so much anymore though, I was eating, breathing, and sleeping adoption. It was all I could think about. When the birthmoms chose other families Ted wasn’t as phased, but I was broken-hearted. While I concealed it as much as I could, I was broke down. My husband reminded me to keep the faith and to remember all of the things that we learn from our pastor. Yes, he ministered to me. The point here is to go on with life while you wait. I became very busy with work and church. Since it’s the holiday season, I am focusing more on helping others who are less fortunate. The best way to get over hurt is to help someone else. We are also focusing on each other. Because we know that our alone time will be limited once our blessing arrives ☺
2) It’s not all about altruism – Adoption through an agency is a business. Sort of. It’s non-profit but they have a job to do. We want a baby. The agency is in the “business” of finding families for babies/children. In order for them to operate, couples pay a fee for their services. Our worker, whom I believe is well meaning and has a good heart, has a job to do. She recruits and prepares families for adoption and “recruits” birthmoms in hopes to make a match with a family. If she makes a match, that looks good for her and the agency. As a result, we may have been the victims of her enthusiasm to do a good job. Now we get it. We have no hard feelings, but we have a better awareness, which allows us to better manage our emotions. Adoption is what it is and you have to be aware of this or you will be an emotional wreck.
3) Birthmoms are a mystery – when we made our different profiles, we have several by the way, we tried to make them as reflective as possible of who we are as people and who we would be as parents. We may be biased as well as our family and friends, but on paper, I think we look pretty darn good! In reality too. But we don’t know what the birthmoms are looking for. Some choose families because the family resembles their life, some choose because the family has children or pets. Who knows? We just viewed a webinar on open adoption and the birthmom talked about her process of choosing adoptive families. She initially eliminated families based on their looks. If they looked like they wouldn’t do better than her, they were eliminated. I must admit, although this sounds superficial, I have looked online at different adoptive families through our agency and after looking at some couples, I joked with Ted that surely we would be better parents than them. So I get it. But she chose because the adoptive mom was going to be a stay at home mom, like her own mother. This is where prayer and trust in God becomes more important than ever. We are just trusting that God will make the road smooth and direct us to the right birthmom, whether it’s tomorrow or next year. Of course, we are hoping it’s closer to the tomorrow.
This is where we are folks. I will be more consistent with my posts, at least weekly. One of the major purposes of this blog is to allow you to walk this journey with us, as it happens, so I promise to do better. By the way, if any of you have any questions about adoption or our process, please leave a comment or click on contact us. See you soon.
Now this isn’t our first time down this road. I mentioned in our last post, which was a while ago, that, once we we’re approved there were 3 birthmoms looking for families. We were excited beyond belief. Well, the first mom who was due in a few weeks and needed families right away, chose another family ☹ Then the second mom, who had been looking at families for a while decided on a family she was already viewing and never saw our profile. That was fair, but I just wish they had not put her in the mix. The third mom is still undecided and has not viewed families yet.
So obviously we have reason to proceed with some caution. I am almost glad for going through this experience because I was getting the impression that this was going to be super easy. We’re a black family looking for a black or bi-racial baby. But God said, hold your horses and be patient.
Since then we have been patient and have just gone on with our lives. Which could be a reason for my lack of posts. Ted describes it as being at a party waiting to be asked to dance. It’s a lot like that. It’s also like being on the Amazing Race where you get all of these cryptic instructions to do this or that, but everyone is at the finish line at the same time and someone has to choose a “winner”.
Here we are again, technically being shown a second time, but we have experienced the emotions of requesting to be shown to four birthmoms. Here are a few lessons that we are learning in our wait and we hope that this can serve as advice to those who may be considering adoption:
1) Live your life – as my mom used to say to me the best way to get a guy’s attention is to ignore him. She always comforted me when I was distraught over some knucklehead. But the same holds true here. While Ted was chilled, not so much anymore though, I was eating, breathing, and sleeping adoption. It was all I could think about. When the birthmoms chose other families Ted wasn’t as phased, but I was broken-hearted. While I concealed it as much as I could, I was broke down. My husband reminded me to keep the faith and to remember all of the things that we learn from our pastor. Yes, he ministered to me. The point here is to go on with life while you wait. I became very busy with work and church. Since it’s the holiday season, I am focusing more on helping others who are less fortunate. The best way to get over hurt is to help someone else. We are also focusing on each other. Because we know that our alone time will be limited once our blessing arrives ☺
2) It’s not all about altruism – Adoption through an agency is a business. Sort of. It’s non-profit but they have a job to do. We want a baby. The agency is in the “business” of finding families for babies/children. In order for them to operate, couples pay a fee for their services. Our worker, whom I believe is well meaning and has a good heart, has a job to do. She recruits and prepares families for adoption and “recruits” birthmoms in hopes to make a match with a family. If she makes a match, that looks good for her and the agency. As a result, we may have been the victims of her enthusiasm to do a good job. Now we get it. We have no hard feelings, but we have a better awareness, which allows us to better manage our emotions. Adoption is what it is and you have to be aware of this or you will be an emotional wreck.
3) Birthmoms are a mystery – when we made our different profiles, we have several by the way, we tried to make them as reflective as possible of who we are as people and who we would be as parents. We may be biased as well as our family and friends, but on paper, I think we look pretty darn good! In reality too. But we don’t know what the birthmoms are looking for. Some choose families because the family resembles their life, some choose because the family has children or pets. Who knows? We just viewed a webinar on open adoption and the birthmom talked about her process of choosing adoptive families. She initially eliminated families based on their looks. If they looked like they wouldn’t do better than her, they were eliminated. I must admit, although this sounds superficial, I have looked online at different adoptive families through our agency and after looking at some couples, I joked with Ted that surely we would be better parents than them. So I get it. But she chose because the adoptive mom was going to be a stay at home mom, like her own mother. This is where prayer and trust in God becomes more important than ever. We are just trusting that God will make the road smooth and direct us to the right birthmom, whether it’s tomorrow or next year. Of course, we are hoping it’s closer to the tomorrow.
This is where we are folks. I will be more consistent with my posts, at least weekly. One of the major purposes of this blog is to allow you to walk this journey with us, as it happens, so I promise to do better. By the way, if any of you have any questions about adoption or our process, please leave a comment or click on contact us. See you soon.
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