I just wanted to let you all know
that we are ok. We are healing. After my last post, "Mixed Signals" I wrote another post, “Wacky
Weekend” detailing the events leading up to our failed adoption. But it was so
painful to recount, that I just couldn’t post it. After that I just shut down
for a minute. I have had days where I didn’t want to get out of bed and engage
with the world. Some days I didn’t, but most days I pulled myself up and went
on with life. Ted and I experienced a grief that’s hard to define and very few people
can relate to it. There’s no script for this kind of grief. No Hallmark card,
no special flower arrangements or fruit baskets for “I’m sorry your adoption
fell through”. The funny thing about grief, at least for me, is that once it
begins it becomes bigger and about every loss. I grieved because we “lost” the
baby, then I grieved because I couldn’t go to my mom for comfort. The hardest
deaths I have ever experienced were those of my parents, my dear friend Monica and
a very close cousin. Each time I had to minister to myself with the scripture
from Job; “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, Blessed be the name of
the Lord”. Although not a death, I comforted myself again with these words. I realized
I had to step back and let God’s sovereignty reign, which unwittingly I had not
been doing in this adoption process. I was so blind and had set my heart on “this”
baby that the thought of it not working out was unfathomable.
Now I know better. And I feel so
much better. It’s more than the spiritual things that have helped get me over
the hump, but also the practical parts of the grieving process. I finally put
up the gifts from my baby shower and sent out the thank you cards. It’s not the
easiest thing in the world to say, “Thank you for the gift. The baby we thought
we had is not ours, but we will use your gift. We promise.” It was certainly
more heartfelt, but it was very difficult. Nevertheless, we have had very good support
from friends and family. I’m certainly not suggesting that all of my feelings
have been resolved. Because if I can keep it real for just one moment; if I
were to see the birthmom on the street, I can’t promise that I would be
civilized. I’d have to take off my earrings and reach for the Vaseline (seriously,
I’ve never had a fight so I don’t really know what that means, I’ve just seen
it on TV. Lol!). Honestly speaking though, I’m still very angry, because quite
frankly I feel she knew her decision and just took us along for the ride. So I do
take it personally. Ted just wants our gift back so we can give it to the next birthmom.
Lol!
The bottom line is we’re doing
well, individually and collectively. Ted never lets me wallow too long. We got
right back on the horse, in spite of my tears and protesting, we’re back on the
waiting list. We’re just going to sit back and let God lead us and do His
thing. We can’t express how grateful we are for our family, friends and our OHD
readers for walking this process out with us.
