It’s the day of the meeting. I had in my mind what I wanted to wear. Of course it was in the hamper. Dang it! On to plan B, but I actually wore plan C. We were planning to be at the office at 9:30 even though Lana was not going to be there, we just wanted to get there so we would be calm. Because of my wardrobe issues, we got there around 9:50. But Ted didn’t fuss. This happens every time we go somewhere and he fusses or walks around shaking his head. He didn’t do that this time. That made me feel good.
We arrived at Bethany. Before we got out of the car, we prayed again. We got inside and they took our coats, offered us beverages and escorted us to a sitting area. Bethany is really a house. I had only been there once, but in the reception area. We went into what would be the equivalent of a dining/family room. It was very cozy. There was a Christmas tree. The unique thing about this tree was that the ornaments were Christmas cards of adoptive families and their children. It was beautiful. We saw a couple that we met at our training workshop. They were speakers who shared their story of adopting their two daughters and they were preparing to adopt a third. The ornament had all three girls. I told Ted, “Next year, we’ll be on this tree”. What was really interesting is that there were lots of black kids on the tree, but no black families. We could be making some history here.
All the time leading up to this, I kept thinking that if she, the birthmom, just shows up, then everything will be fine. I was concerned about her being M-I-A. Ted and I were sitting on the couch. Staff members came in to check on us. Then we heard the door open, and we heard Lana’s voice. I think I told Ted, “this is it” or at least I thought it. Lana entered the room and then the birthmom. She was tall and very pregnant. I could see her belly button poking out. She was bundled up. We later found out that she couldn’t button her coat; because of her stomach :-) We all exchanged pleasantries. We stood up when she entered like she was Queen Elizabeth. Ted offered to take off her coat and she said she was fine. I wanted to just stare at her, but I didn’t want to be rude or seem weird. I watched as she took off each layer; her gloves, her hat, her coat. She was a decent looking woman. She wore a ponytail, which was always one of my favorite hairstyles.
We officially began the meeting. Lana was there as well as the director of the agency. The birthmom’s caseworker was there briefly, but she had another family to deal with. Lana began by asking Ted and I to share our story. I wasn’t sure what she wanted us to share. But I spoke first. Yes me. I told the birthmom how we met, the straight version. I told her we’ve been married for 7 years.
She said, “Wow. That’s good. That’s a long time”.
Lana really wanted us to talk about our journey of how we decided on adoption. Oh! That story! So I shared some more.
The birthmom reacted with appropriate sounds “awww’s” and “um hmm’s”.
Within 10 minutes of the meeting though, we were both crying. I don’t remember if it was after I told our story or right before, but the birthmom said to us that she felt God led her to us. Shut the front door! I was no more good.
She began to share her story. She wept and poured herself out, like a “drink offering”. I just laid my hand on her knee to comfort her. She answered questions that we had, without us even asking. She just talked and gave us some missing details. I think everyone was in shock. It was very heavy. I don’t know if she didn’t trust the agency staff the reason why she didn’t share with them or if she just needed to see us. I don’t know the “why” it happened, but I for sure, know “who” made it happen. I’m not saying that we know everything, but she provided enough information that made the concerns of the night before, a memory.
I don’t recall what was said that led the agency director to start asking about names. I was thinking ‘Things were going so well. Now the sticky issue’. The birthmom spoke up, “They can pick the names. It’s gonna be their baby”. Go ‘head God!
To cover our excitement we just joked about how we were still deciding but we were pretty sure that it would be Theodore. I told them what Theodore meant and how I checked Ted’s reference on the name. We all laughed. But once I told them, everyone was amazed. I told the birthmom “he is a gift from God and he is a gift from you, so I think the name is very appropriate”.
I also tried to express to her at some point in the meeting that we are good people. I said those exact words “we are good people” and I began to weep again. She said, “I know, I believe that”.
Days leading up to the meeting I had hoped that the birthmom would bring pictures, especially from the ultrasound. However, I wasn’t sure if I could request that she bring those items. But guess what? In her sharing, she pulled out of her purse ultrasound pictures. Please understand! I wanted to shout all around Bethany! I thought I was going to have to do the Shirley Caesar and say “hold my mule”. Mind you we had no idea what we were looking at. I know it was a picture of a foot only because that’s what it said And there was a note on one of the pictures that said “I’m a boy!” If that wasn’t a precious moment, then I don’t think they exist.
Ted was fairly quiet. And I mean that in reference to the typical Ted, so not really quiet. I think he didn’t say as much because he would have choked up too. He was trying to be macho but I know that he was very emotional. Every time I cried he just rubbed my back. He expressed to her how he just wanted her to know that we will be great parents, largely because of his wife. He pumped me up. He also of course teased me and all but spelled out that I’m a little OCD. It’s all good. I told the birthmom that we laugh a lot. I talked about how Ted likes to look at himself in the mirror and say “You’re a handsome somebody”. We all cracked up.
I asked her about her pregnancy. Right now she’s very tired. She has frequent visits to the doctor. She has “dropped” (I had to ask what that meant, although I could figure that out). Everyone that was in the room believes that she will have the baby before Jan. 16. We’re taking “Coca-cola” bets on guessing the real due date.
We discussed openness. I’m not sure that she is positive about what she wants. She does want pictures. She wants reassurances that he’s ok. I wanted to tell her, ‘Girl I will send you all the pictures you want, if this is all the openness you want’. We were prepared to agree to more but we dared not express that. She certainly has time to change her mind and the director told her that. I wanted to tell the director, ‘Will you be quiet! We got her where we want her!’ The birthmom honestly has time to change her mind about everything! She was tortured about this decision and she loves her baby. She made it clear though that she loves him enough to give him the life that she can’t. She wants to do what’s best for him and she thinks the best for him, is us. She said she has peace about us.
We gave her our gift. Not sure if she liked it. I put the gifts in a yellow bag and I told her I chose that color because that’s the color of the baby’s room. “Awww”, she said. I told her we had furniture. Lana prompted me to tell her of our plans after the birth. I told her I had 12 weeks of leave. She said, “Wow that’s good”. I also told her that we’ve checked out daycares and that the baby would only be in daycare 3-4 days a week. He would be with Ted on his day off and I’m planning to adjust my schedule to a 4 day work week (I haven’t’ told my boss this yet :-)). All of this information was comforting to her.
I find it so ironic that the predicted end of the world was on the day of our meeting with our birthmom. If the world had ended yesterday, I would have been really ticked. We would have missed out on this beautiful opportunity that only a handful of people get to experience. The truth is our world, the small world of Ted and Cherilynn did end. It is changing, it’s getting bigger we are having to expand to get ready to be parents. We’re expanding our hearts to let this birthmom in. Not physically, per se but there is no way we could as humans and as Christians listen to her give the not so pretty details of her life and not make her a part of our prayers and hopes that life will get better for her. We can now share with our son (we’re just calling those things...) what a gut-wrenching decision she made for his health and happiness. She’s making the ultimate sacrifice for her son but also for us. She said several times that she just wanted to bless us. She saw that we didn’t have kids and she wanted to bless us. It’s as if all of the things that she had been through she wanted to provide the ultimate act of charity to a couple she doesn’t know, but a couple who will love her son as if he was their own.
We were informed by the director that this period is the hardest part, the period between the meeting and the birth. There are lots of emotion and lots of second guessing on the part of the birthmom so we ask that you all hang in there with us. She doesn’t sign consents until after the baby is born so there is still a lot at stake. I know we’ve taken you on an emotional roller coaster but hang on just a little while longer.
“Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” – James 1:4
Saturday, December 22, 2012
“It’s the end of OUR world as we know it” – Part 1
“Wow! Wow! Wow!” That’s all I could say yesterday as we left Bethany. I was in awe with how God moved on our behalf. The meeting was a mix of emotions; it was moving, it was tense, it was humorous. We did not know what to expect. As you saw in my last post I was pretty freaked out. There were other things that happened that added to my anxiety.
As I mentioned we have been visiting pediatricians. One of the pediatricians asked a lot of questions about the birthmom’s background. This made me wonder and I wanted to look at the profile more closely. Here is an example of how information is displayed on our portal when a new birthmom is ready to view families:
Due Date
Gender
Race
Prenatal Care
Drug Exposure
Medical History
Mental Illness
After each category, information provided by the birthmom appears. There is also a summary that contains more information or expounds on the information in the categories. For our situation, everything looked pretty clear and we were comfortable with what we saw. I decided however to look at it again with more analytical eyes. My thoughts were that there could be some history she just opted not to tell. I emailed “Lana” with more questions. I didn’t hear from her for several days. I was frantic. It turned out she was out of town. Whew! Ted and I talked to her on Thursday night. The original plan was to meet her about 30 minutes ahead of our planned meeting for 10 am on Friday. But there was a change of plans so we planned a phone meeting. We asked about things in the birthmom’s history and she said would investigate to see if the birthmom had given more information to her case worker (with our agency, the birthmom has a case worker and the adoptive couple has a case worker and the two communicate about their clients). She had told us that the birthmom had been pretty tight lipped and this made her caseworker a little uneasy. What? Why the hell didn’t you all tell us this before now! I remained calm. Lana promised to try to get our answers for us. She also told us that if this is too uncertain that we don’t have to go with this birthmom. She could put us back on the market so to speak. She texted us back about 15 minutes later to say that the birthmom’s caseworker, didn’t have the information we asked for. She had asked the birthmom, but she was unwilling to share.
After we ended our call, I was approaching wreck status. I knew that being chosen by a birthmom didn’t mean that everything was a done deal. But it’s rare, with our agency, that once a mom chooses a family that things don’t go through. So this was terrible news to me. I even thought maybe we should not have told people. This was just too much. My husband came to the rescue once again. He’s turning out to be quite the faith warrior. Ted said to me “Baby, we’ve done all we can do. Just pray for the best and let it go. No need to get all upset.” I didn’t want to listen to him, but he was right. As we sat and ate dinner, we continued to discuss it. We came up with plausible explanations as to why the birthmom had been so secretive. We also wondered if some of the things we did know were actually untrue or at least not the full story. After all of our figuring and discussion, we just came to the conclusion that it is what it is and that things would work out. As difficult as it was, I made a silent plea, Lord if this isn’t our baby then let us make peace with it and I believe you will bring the right one to us.
That night I fell asleep early and woke up around 2 am. I struggled to go back to sleep. I was anxious, but not the bad kind of anxious, like waiting on medical test results. I was ready to do this. The morning of the meeting I got up cleaned the house a little bit, and cooked breakfast as if we didn’t have the biggest meeting of our life in a few minutes. Our mood was light. We even joked around. I asked Ted, “I hate to be superficial, but have you thought about, what if the mom is ugly?”
He said, “Yeah!” as if he were saying of course I have, it’s natural to wonder. He continued, “That’s why I wish we could have seen a picture!” We both cracked up and shook our heads. Hey we keep it real here at OHD. LOL!
This story is too long for one post so part 2 is coming right up!
As I mentioned we have been visiting pediatricians. One of the pediatricians asked a lot of questions about the birthmom’s background. This made me wonder and I wanted to look at the profile more closely. Here is an example of how information is displayed on our portal when a new birthmom is ready to view families:
Due Date
Gender
Race
Prenatal Care
Drug Exposure
Medical History
Mental Illness
After each category, information provided by the birthmom appears. There is also a summary that contains more information or expounds on the information in the categories. For our situation, everything looked pretty clear and we were comfortable with what we saw. I decided however to look at it again with more analytical eyes. My thoughts were that there could be some history she just opted not to tell. I emailed “Lana” with more questions. I didn’t hear from her for several days. I was frantic. It turned out she was out of town. Whew! Ted and I talked to her on Thursday night. The original plan was to meet her about 30 minutes ahead of our planned meeting for 10 am on Friday. But there was a change of plans so we planned a phone meeting. We asked about things in the birthmom’s history and she said would investigate to see if the birthmom had given more information to her case worker (with our agency, the birthmom has a case worker and the adoptive couple has a case worker and the two communicate about their clients). She had told us that the birthmom had been pretty tight lipped and this made her caseworker a little uneasy. What? Why the hell didn’t you all tell us this before now! I remained calm. Lana promised to try to get our answers for us. She also told us that if this is too uncertain that we don’t have to go with this birthmom. She could put us back on the market so to speak. She texted us back about 15 minutes later to say that the birthmom’s caseworker, didn’t have the information we asked for. She had asked the birthmom, but she was unwilling to share.
After we ended our call, I was approaching wreck status. I knew that being chosen by a birthmom didn’t mean that everything was a done deal. But it’s rare, with our agency, that once a mom chooses a family that things don’t go through. So this was terrible news to me. I even thought maybe we should not have told people. This was just too much. My husband came to the rescue once again. He’s turning out to be quite the faith warrior. Ted said to me “Baby, we’ve done all we can do. Just pray for the best and let it go. No need to get all upset.” I didn’t want to listen to him, but he was right. As we sat and ate dinner, we continued to discuss it. We came up with plausible explanations as to why the birthmom had been so secretive. We also wondered if some of the things we did know were actually untrue or at least not the full story. After all of our figuring and discussion, we just came to the conclusion that it is what it is and that things would work out. As difficult as it was, I made a silent plea, Lord if this isn’t our baby then let us make peace with it and I believe you will bring the right one to us.
That night I fell asleep early and woke up around 2 am. I struggled to go back to sleep. I was anxious, but not the bad kind of anxious, like waiting on medical test results. I was ready to do this. The morning of the meeting I got up cleaned the house a little bit, and cooked breakfast as if we didn’t have the biggest meeting of our life in a few minutes. Our mood was light. We even joked around. I asked Ted, “I hate to be superficial, but have you thought about, what if the mom is ugly?”
He said, “Yeah!” as if he were saying of course I have, it’s natural to wonder. He continued, “That’s why I wish we could have seen a picture!” We both cracked up and shook our heads. Hey we keep it real here at OHD. LOL!
This story is too long for one post so part 2 is coming right up!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Preparing the Way
Over the past week and a half we have been in prep mode. We have painted the room bright golden yellow (will post pics). A major change for our very beige house. Now we’re ready to decorate with our Peeking Pooh accents. We have interviewed 3 pediatricians. We are still deciding whom to choose, although we’re pretty confident it’s not the third person. We have been busy for sure and it’s only the beginning. I have to make guest lists for the baby shower(s) that friends and family want to have. I need to add more items to our registries. And the big one is that we meet the birthmom this Friday! Two weeks ago this meeting seemed so far off and I felt like a kid during Christmas time. Just anxiously awaiting and hoping the day would hurry up and get here. I didn’t think I would be able to function, but I have managed.
There are some many things I want to ask and things I want to know. We plan to arrive early so we can be calm and get there before her we hope. I’m trying to figure out what to wear. Dress up or dress down? Do I go for the diva mom look or plain Jane look? Shake hands or hug her? We can bring her a gift, but I don’t know what to bring. Our worker suggested a gift basket with cozy socks and foot lotions or something. Sounds good but will she think we’re suggesting she has bad feet? I have some beautiful Avon jewelry but is that too cheap? Ugh! Who knows? We have an article to read before Friday to help us prepare. I haven’t read it yet, but I hope it will help. It will at least guide our questions.
Our main goal is not to blow it. Nothing is final at this point, which adds to my nervousness. I don’t always make the best first impressions with women and I’m impatient and at times my thoughts show on my face. On second thought, maybe Ted should go by himself ☺ This is more than a meeting it’s also a negotiation. We will talk about the level of openness we’re all comfortable with e.g., visits, phone calls, pictures, etc. We’ll discuss a hospital plan, whether we can be in the room at birth or simply at the hospital (which we will likely insist at least on being at the hospital). How do we smooth the edges if she wants something that we don’t want and vice versa? The big thorn in our side is the name.
We just assumed that we would be able to name him ourselves. This may be true. However the birthmom at least gets to voice her opinion or make a suggestion, if she wants. Our worker, “Lana” suggests that we listen to what she has to say. Lana and I, had a rather heated, at least on my part, email exchange last week about naming the baby. As the adoptive parents, we can change the name on the birth certificate later on, but Lana says that could damage the relationship we have with the birthmom, after all she is giving us her most precious gift and ideally our relationship with her will be lifelong. I was livid when I got this message. We don’t know what our birthmom has in mind; she may not want anything to do with naming the baby so this is all hypothetical. But after my exchange with Lana, the reality of private adoption via an agency really hit me in the face. They definitely cater to the birthmom. My thoughts are who caters to us? I sympathize with the birthmom and I couldn’t imagine placing a child for adoption. But what about us couples who wish they could at least have a baby in the first place. What about the sacrifices we have made? They have dug through our history, checked every state in which we’ve resided, called our friends and our church. I would say they’ve done everything but ask for blood, but we had to do that to! Not to mention the finances! Yes, adoption is our choice, but it ain’t cheap (poor grammar intended). The least we can do is name the child without interference. After all we’re going to be calling his name everyday, to say “I love you” or “pick up that toy” or “did you do your homework?”, not the birthmom. Ok. I feel better now. I had to get that off of my chest. This is how Ted and I both feel, but we have to settle down and play nice on Friday. It’s worth stating here that Ted and I are having difficulty on our own deciding on a name, although I have waved the white flag and have reluctantly accepted the name “Theodore”, the middle name is still up in the air. Ted told me that Theodore means “gift of God”. I laughed because I thought surely that couldn’t be right. But that is what it means. So what name could be more appropriate than this?
Continue to pray for us. Pray for me especially that God’s countenance show on my face and not my real one and that Ted’s jokes aren’t too inappropriate. Maybe we’ll just grin and nod the whole time. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
(Note: The birthmom meeting will be held at the adoption agency and will be mediated by Lana, just in case you were wondering)
Friday, December 7, 2012
Bittersweet
On Wednesday of this week, I was with my husband as we attended the homegoing services of aunt Augusta, Ted’s aunt. She was a firecracker. Ted admired her greatly, as did I. She never made me feel like an in-law. She treated Ted more like a son and me like a daughter. So there was really no question as to whether or not we would attend her services, that was a given. No matter what we had to do. I was even more sad because I was concerned for my husband. Since she was the last of his mom’s siblings I was concerned that it would be like losing his mom all over again. He seems to be ok, but one can never tell with a man. But the services were beautiful and befitting and it was a homegoing indeed and that helped ease the pain. I couldn’t help but think of my own mom and her services, but seeing Aunt Augusta’s children and her husband of 68 years gave me strength.
I usually take my phone wherever I go, but I realized that I had left it in the car once we got into the church. Instead of going to the car to get it, I tried to forget about it and concentrate on why we were there and to make sure my husband was ok. Something kept nagging at me about my phone though and I kept thinking I was missing something very important.
After the service was over, we hugged a few people and approached our car to prepare for the procession to the cemetery. I got into the car and the first thing I did was grab my phone. I saw a missed call from Bethany and a text from our worker that said “Call me ASAP”. I think I began to shake a little bit, I yelled to Ted, “We got a call from Bethany!” He got all excited asking me, “What did they say, what is it?” I was trying to think. I told him to check the portal while I called them back. His niece was in the car with us so she witnessed this whole drama unfold.
I called Bethany back and asked for our worker, I’ll call her Lana. She answered the phone very sheepishly. We exchanged pleasantries. Then she asked “are you sitting down?” By this time she was getting on my nerves because I just wanted the message. Plus Ted was in the back seat asking me a thousand questions. So I responded, “Lana! Will you just tell me! I can’t stand this!” She says, “Well…you have been chosen by a birthmom”. What? I think I remained conscious but I can’t be certain. I was trying to be calm. I don’t really know what I said. And of course Ted was in the background. She proceeded to tell me that this birthmom loved our profile. She really connected with us and she wanted to give us a Christmas present by choosing us. We are scheduled to meet her on Dec. 21.
Although Ted figured some of it out, I got off the phone and told him the hold conversation. Tiffany, our niece was smiling from ear to ear by this time. Ted jumped out of the car. “Baby this is great!” He gave me a big kiss. He gave Tiffany a kiss. We were in shock and great awe. Of course we looked very odd celebrating in the parking lot right after a funeral.
There was so much going on at the moment it’s hard for me to capture it all. But I needed to call someone. I was both happy and sad because my instinct was to call my mom. I lost her over 2 years ago, but when I get news I still fight the urge to dial her number. So I had Tiffany, text Kiota because I had to start driving at that point. I said “Text her ‘We’ve been chosen’ and put lots of exclamation points”. Less than than a minute later, Kiota called me back. What a conversation! She had to whisper her excitement because she was at work. Lol!
Ted sent texts to people. I started sending texts once we finally made it to the cemetery. I wanted to tell the family after the repast. However, Ted couldn’t hold it in. Before we left the cemetery several people knew. He told his dad, his sister, cousins, including one of Aunt Augusta’s daughters, Esther who could barely contain her excitement and started to cry. OMG! I was a wreck. Ted said that he just had to tell people, he wanted to shout it to the world.
While we figured our chances were improving because of the latest birthmoms that were in the Bethany system. Ted has a different take on why we have been chosen. He thinks it’s Aunt Augusta. Aunt Augusta teamed up with my mama and said “Look Lord, give our babies a baby. They’ve been waiting long enough”. It’s comforting to think of them as our angels working on our behalf. But really this is a testament that God can turn mourning into joy, pain into happiness and more importantly that life does go on.
There is so much to talk about that I will have a part two to this post. But the baby is due Jan. 16 and…. It’s a boy!
I usually take my phone wherever I go, but I realized that I had left it in the car once we got into the church. Instead of going to the car to get it, I tried to forget about it and concentrate on why we were there and to make sure my husband was ok. Something kept nagging at me about my phone though and I kept thinking I was missing something very important.
After the service was over, we hugged a few people and approached our car to prepare for the procession to the cemetery. I got into the car and the first thing I did was grab my phone. I saw a missed call from Bethany and a text from our worker that said “Call me ASAP”. I think I began to shake a little bit, I yelled to Ted, “We got a call from Bethany!” He got all excited asking me, “What did they say, what is it?” I was trying to think. I told him to check the portal while I called them back. His niece was in the car with us so she witnessed this whole drama unfold.
I called Bethany back and asked for our worker, I’ll call her Lana. She answered the phone very sheepishly. We exchanged pleasantries. Then she asked “are you sitting down?” By this time she was getting on my nerves because I just wanted the message. Plus Ted was in the back seat asking me a thousand questions. So I responded, “Lana! Will you just tell me! I can’t stand this!” She says, “Well…you have been chosen by a birthmom”. What? I think I remained conscious but I can’t be certain. I was trying to be calm. I don’t really know what I said. And of course Ted was in the background. She proceeded to tell me that this birthmom loved our profile. She really connected with us and she wanted to give us a Christmas present by choosing us. We are scheduled to meet her on Dec. 21.
Although Ted figured some of it out, I got off the phone and told him the hold conversation. Tiffany, our niece was smiling from ear to ear by this time. Ted jumped out of the car. “Baby this is great!” He gave me a big kiss. He gave Tiffany a kiss. We were in shock and great awe. Of course we looked very odd celebrating in the parking lot right after a funeral.
There was so much going on at the moment it’s hard for me to capture it all. But I needed to call someone. I was both happy and sad because my instinct was to call my mom. I lost her over 2 years ago, but when I get news I still fight the urge to dial her number. So I had Tiffany, text Kiota because I had to start driving at that point. I said “Text her ‘We’ve been chosen’ and put lots of exclamation points”. Less than than a minute later, Kiota called me back. What a conversation! She had to whisper her excitement because she was at work. Lol!
Ted sent texts to people. I started sending texts once we finally made it to the cemetery. I wanted to tell the family after the repast. However, Ted couldn’t hold it in. Before we left the cemetery several people knew. He told his dad, his sister, cousins, including one of Aunt Augusta’s daughters, Esther who could barely contain her excitement and started to cry. OMG! I was a wreck. Ted said that he just had to tell people, he wanted to shout it to the world.
While we figured our chances were improving because of the latest birthmoms that were in the Bethany system. Ted has a different take on why we have been chosen. He thinks it’s Aunt Augusta. Aunt Augusta teamed up with my mama and said “Look Lord, give our babies a baby. They’ve been waiting long enough”. It’s comforting to think of them as our angels working on our behalf. But really this is a testament that God can turn mourning into joy, pain into happiness and more importantly that life does go on.
There is so much to talk about that I will have a part two to this post. But the baby is due Jan. 16 and…. It’s a boy!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Circles
Here we go again. Three more expectant moms are in the system since our Black Friday heartbreak. Again we have requested to be shown to all three. We have made the short list of at least one mom. One mom’s profile was just posted today and we will learn more about her late this afternoon. She is a bit of rush case because she is due Christmas Eve! So a decision will be made relatively quickly. What’s the difference with these moms versus most of the others? Well, all of these moms are African American, so we believe are chances are better with situations. Prior to this writing we have been viewed by one other African American mom, but she decided to parent. And we later found out that if she did decide on adoption, we would have been her first choice. That was comforting.
Ok people. Let’s pray! I insist on keeping my cool about all of this but when I saw the message today about the Christmas Eve baby, I was just a little excited. I was in the airport too so I’m sure I got a few strange looks. Ted and I are traveling to North Carolina to say goodbye to his dear Aunt Augusta. On the plane this morning, as we held hands and prayed, Ted also threw into the prayer “and God it would be nice if you had a baby waiting for us when we got home”. LOL! When we got to Charlotte for a layover we had a message and a text about the new mom. Does my hubby have God’s ear? I don’t know. Again patience is the key. We still need to see the full profile of the mother to indicate if we want to be considered. After all, it is a two-way street.
(Note: This was written yesterday. We gave our final ok to be considered by the Christmas Eve mom ☺)
Ok people. Let’s pray! I insist on keeping my cool about all of this but when I saw the message today about the Christmas Eve baby, I was just a little excited. I was in the airport too so I’m sure I got a few strange looks. Ted and I are traveling to North Carolina to say goodbye to his dear Aunt Augusta. On the plane this morning, as we held hands and prayed, Ted also threw into the prayer “and God it would be nice if you had a baby waiting for us when we got home”. LOL! When we got to Charlotte for a layover we had a message and a text about the new mom. Does my hubby have God’s ear? I don’t know. Again patience is the key. We still need to see the full profile of the mother to indicate if we want to be considered. After all, it is a two-way street.
(Note: This was written yesterday. We gave our final ok to be considered by the Christmas Eve mom ☺)
Monday, November 26, 2012
It's Our Anniversary!
It’s our 7th anniversary! We both took today off to spend time together but to also visit day care centers. The show must go on. We will be touring day care centers that are close to my job. Women who are thinking about getting pregnant put their children on waiting lists, so why shouldn’t we. Plus the thoroughness of our agency requires that we provide information on a care plan for the baby. So we must continue to plan.
As I reflect on the meaning of this anniversary, the number 7 in the bible represents completion. We have completed a phase in our life that was very tumultuous and full of uncertainty. Not that we won’t face such things again, but we know that we can get through them. We can predict each other’s actions and words (it’s so creepy). Ted does an uncanny yet overexaggerated impression of me getting ready for work in the morning. So we have completed the phase of “getting to know you” at least the “getting to know the initial you”. Of course we are growing but now we are growing together. And just for fun, Chris Rock is right. Marriage is boring. Lol! No, it’s just regular. But that’s what makes it so good.
What else is in store today? Other than food, I’m not sure, but I know I will enjoy my time with my husband. Things have been a little tense considering our recent disappointment. But we will get through this as we do all things. Ted joked that I have been looking at him, as if I’m saying, “What in the world did I get myself into 7 years ago”. As usual, a man trying to read a woman’s mind is unsuccessful. My look is really saying “Even though you are dancing on my last nerve, I’m in it for the long haul. In good times and bad, my life would not be the same without you. I love our times together, the regular times and the once in a life – times”.
To my homeyloverfriend, my boo, my lifemate. I love you. Here’s to looking forward to year 8, a year of new beginnings.
As I reflect on the meaning of this anniversary, the number 7 in the bible represents completion. We have completed a phase in our life that was very tumultuous and full of uncertainty. Not that we won’t face such things again, but we know that we can get through them. We can predict each other’s actions and words (it’s so creepy). Ted does an uncanny yet overexaggerated impression of me getting ready for work in the morning. So we have completed the phase of “getting to know you” at least the “getting to know the initial you”. Of course we are growing but now we are growing together. And just for fun, Chris Rock is right. Marriage is boring. Lol! No, it’s just regular. But that’s what makes it so good.
What else is in store today? Other than food, I’m not sure, but I know I will enjoy my time with my husband. Things have been a little tense considering our recent disappointment. But we will get through this as we do all things. Ted joked that I have been looking at him, as if I’m saying, “What in the world did I get myself into 7 years ago”. As usual, a man trying to read a woman’s mind is unsuccessful. My look is really saying “Even though you are dancing on my last nerve, I’m in it for the long haul. In good times and bad, my life would not be the same without you. I love our times together, the regular times and the once in a life – times”.
To my homeyloverfriend, my boo, my lifemate. I love you. Here’s to looking forward to year 8, a year of new beginnings.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
When God Says No
I was trying to decide on a title for this post. Originally I was going to call it the Black Friday Hustle and you’ll see why in a moment. But this title seemed appropriate when on Saturday morning I read Our Daily Bread, which talked about dealing with disappointment of wanting something and God says no, at least for a moment.
On this past Friday, Black Friday, Ted and I were sitting at our kitchen table, finishing our dinner (leftovers of course). I got a text on my phone. Initially it was hard for me to decipher. I thought it was one of those messages telling me that my entry had one, when I hadn’t entered for anything. But it wasn’t. It was a cold-call. A healthy, biracial baby boy had been born on Thanksgiving and the mother decided to make an adoption plan. She wanted to choose the family that night and wanted to meet the family on Saturday, the planned day of discharge for the baby. Once I focused and was able to decipher the message, I think I screamed, jumped up and down. I’m not really sure, but I was excited. I didn’t recognize the number so that added to the confusion. In the midst of my excitement I tried to tell Ted, rather incoherently what the message said. I texted and responded that we were interested because they needed a response by 6 pm, we got the message at 4:44 pm. It was like being in an emergency situation and you forget all of your training. I told Ted to call the number back and he says but you should go to the portal. I’m thinking I don’t think so, but I did and he called the number back. It was the head of the agency so that assured us that it was a real message. She told us she got our message and that correspondences were by phone for cold-calls. She would send us updates on the progress of the situation.
We were instantly in a whirlwind of thoughts and activity. I paced the floor, with a million thoughts. Ted sat and tried to appear calm. I looked around the house and distressed over the disorganization and the dust. Oh and the the baby’s room. While we have furniture, it is nowhere near ready at least to our satisfaction. We haven’t painted or decorated and we don’t have a glider yet. I would need a glider to rock the baby. All these things were flooding my brain. We didn’t know whether to wait to hear anything or whether to take action and be prepared just in case. We chose the latter.
We rushed to the bank before it closed to withdraw the placement costs. When we returned home, we did the most important preparation of all. We prayed. We prayed and anointed the baby’s room with consecrated oil and the furniture in it. And we anointed each other. We prayed for God’s will above all else. We wanted this to work, but we knew we had to yield to His will. After we prayed and wiped our tears, we settled back down. But only for a moment. I pulled up our registries to see what we needed. Just about everything. We didn’t even have diapers. We only had samples of diapers and formula from classes and registry enrollment gifts. At 6:07, we were notified that the profiles of the interested families were delivered to the hospital and that the mother may make a decision as late as tomorrow morning.
Ted went downstairs to watch football and to pretend like it was just another evening. I told him I needed to call someone. He cautioned that we should wait. I agreed although it was hard. We decided that we would wait to go to the store until we heard something. But I couldn’t sit still so I decided to go to Babies R Us to purchase essentials. My thinking was what if we were chosen and we had to pick up the baby the next day, we would need diapers and formula at least. It seemed logical. Ted made sure I had my phone in case the agency called. He wanted me to act like it was going to happen and that our prayers were finally answered.
I was driving down 270 and I pulled my phone out of my purse. I usually have it out but I was in such a rush, I forgot to take it out. I removed it from my purse I could hear any call. My music was up a little loud which is typical. I didn’t hear my phone but I saw a message pop up. It was 7:50 pm. It was a text from the agency again providing another update. The update we didn’t want. I didn’t have time to cry, I was on the highway and it was dark. I was going to turn around but I decided we would need stuff at some point so I proceeded. I texted a sad face to Ted. No words were needed.
This was one of the most difficult store trips in my life. I was in a bit of a daze. I tried to focus and get the essential items. I succeeded but it was painful. Not only dealing with the disappointment of what had just happened and buying things for some date that is unknown. But there were very happy pregnant women in the store with their husbands/boyfriends and it was a like a double reminder of what has yet to happen in my life and our lives. It was almost unbearable.
I have yet to shed tear. I’m sure it will hit me when I least expect it as most grief does for me. But when Ted and I prayed we were very clear in our petition. That whatever baby is ours let it be clear to us that this is the one. Let the birthmother pass us by if that is not our baby. I don’t claim to have a direct line to God or always know when He’s speaking to me. All year we have been claiming to have a baby by the end of the year. I felt that the baby we would have would be via a cold call and that it would be a boy. Perhaps I’m mistaken or maybe we’ll get a call on Dec. 31 at 11:59 pm. Who knows. One thing we cannot do is lose heart and faith. We are confident that this is indeed what God has called us to do. We are to press in and not turn away from His guidance and wisdom. Because right now, we need it more than ever.
Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. – Hebrews 11:1 NLT
On this past Friday, Black Friday, Ted and I were sitting at our kitchen table, finishing our dinner (leftovers of course). I got a text on my phone. Initially it was hard for me to decipher. I thought it was one of those messages telling me that my entry had one, when I hadn’t entered for anything. But it wasn’t. It was a cold-call. A healthy, biracial baby boy had been born on Thanksgiving and the mother decided to make an adoption plan. She wanted to choose the family that night and wanted to meet the family on Saturday, the planned day of discharge for the baby. Once I focused and was able to decipher the message, I think I screamed, jumped up and down. I’m not really sure, but I was excited. I didn’t recognize the number so that added to the confusion. In the midst of my excitement I tried to tell Ted, rather incoherently what the message said. I texted and responded that we were interested because they needed a response by 6 pm, we got the message at 4:44 pm. It was like being in an emergency situation and you forget all of your training. I told Ted to call the number back and he says but you should go to the portal. I’m thinking I don’t think so, but I did and he called the number back. It was the head of the agency so that assured us that it was a real message. She told us she got our message and that correspondences were by phone for cold-calls. She would send us updates on the progress of the situation.
We were instantly in a whirlwind of thoughts and activity. I paced the floor, with a million thoughts. Ted sat and tried to appear calm. I looked around the house and distressed over the disorganization and the dust. Oh and the the baby’s room. While we have furniture, it is nowhere near ready at least to our satisfaction. We haven’t painted or decorated and we don’t have a glider yet. I would need a glider to rock the baby. All these things were flooding my brain. We didn’t know whether to wait to hear anything or whether to take action and be prepared just in case. We chose the latter.
We rushed to the bank before it closed to withdraw the placement costs. When we returned home, we did the most important preparation of all. We prayed. We prayed and anointed the baby’s room with consecrated oil and the furniture in it. And we anointed each other. We prayed for God’s will above all else. We wanted this to work, but we knew we had to yield to His will. After we prayed and wiped our tears, we settled back down. But only for a moment. I pulled up our registries to see what we needed. Just about everything. We didn’t even have diapers. We only had samples of diapers and formula from classes and registry enrollment gifts. At 6:07, we were notified that the profiles of the interested families were delivered to the hospital and that the mother may make a decision as late as tomorrow morning.
Ted went downstairs to watch football and to pretend like it was just another evening. I told him I needed to call someone. He cautioned that we should wait. I agreed although it was hard. We decided that we would wait to go to the store until we heard something. But I couldn’t sit still so I decided to go to Babies R Us to purchase essentials. My thinking was what if we were chosen and we had to pick up the baby the next day, we would need diapers and formula at least. It seemed logical. Ted made sure I had my phone in case the agency called. He wanted me to act like it was going to happen and that our prayers were finally answered.
I was driving down 270 and I pulled my phone out of my purse. I usually have it out but I was in such a rush, I forgot to take it out. I removed it from my purse I could hear any call. My music was up a little loud which is typical. I didn’t hear my phone but I saw a message pop up. It was 7:50 pm. It was a text from the agency again providing another update. The update we didn’t want. I didn’t have time to cry, I was on the highway and it was dark. I was going to turn around but I decided we would need stuff at some point so I proceeded. I texted a sad face to Ted. No words were needed.
This was one of the most difficult store trips in my life. I was in a bit of a daze. I tried to focus and get the essential items. I succeeded but it was painful. Not only dealing with the disappointment of what had just happened and buying things for some date that is unknown. But there were very happy pregnant women in the store with their husbands/boyfriends and it was a like a double reminder of what has yet to happen in my life and our lives. It was almost unbearable.
I have yet to shed tear. I’m sure it will hit me when I least expect it as most grief does for me. But when Ted and I prayed we were very clear in our petition. That whatever baby is ours let it be clear to us that this is the one. Let the birthmother pass us by if that is not our baby. I don’t claim to have a direct line to God or always know when He’s speaking to me. All year we have been claiming to have a baby by the end of the year. I felt that the baby we would have would be via a cold call and that it would be a boy. Perhaps I’m mistaken or maybe we’ll get a call on Dec. 31 at 11:59 pm. Who knows. One thing we cannot do is lose heart and faith. We are confident that this is indeed what God has called us to do. We are to press in and not turn away from His guidance and wisdom. Because right now, we need it more than ever.
Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. – Hebrews 11:1 NLT
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Happy National Adoption Awareness Day!
The focus of this day is to bring awareness to adoption from foster care. It encourages people to adopt a child from foster care through various events, websites, media postings, etc. Actually the whole month of November is Adoption Awareness Month.
Although we are adopting privately and not through foster care, we offer our full support to this effort. Every child needs a GOOD home. EVERY CHILD, no matter how old.
We do see ourselves going through this system at some point, but in the meantime will certainly advocate for all legal forms of adoption.
For more information visit nationaladoptionday.org. This month we will add more adoption resources to our blog and may highlight a few through posts. Please see this very short PSA. Get your kleenex :)
Although we are adopting privately and not through foster care, we offer our full support to this effort. Every child needs a GOOD home. EVERY CHILD, no matter how old.
We do see ourselves going through this system at some point, but in the meantime will certainly advocate for all legal forms of adoption.
For more information visit nationaladoptionday.org. This month we will add more adoption resources to our blog and may highlight a few through posts. Please see this very short PSA. Get your kleenex :)
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Dear Birthmother… Please pick us!
If everything goes as planned today, a birthmother will view our profile. We are cautiously excited. We got a message from our agency yesterday that there was an expectant mom ready to view profiles of families and that we needed to respond if interested. Heck yea we’re interested! Of course we can’t reveal the details but the background of the birthmom is one that we are very pleased with.
Now this isn’t our first time down this road. I mentioned in our last post, which was a while ago, that, once we we’re approved there were 3 birthmoms looking for families. We were excited beyond belief. Well, the first mom who was due in a few weeks and needed families right away, chose another family ☹ Then the second mom, who had been looking at families for a while decided on a family she was already viewing and never saw our profile. That was fair, but I just wish they had not put her in the mix. The third mom is still undecided and has not viewed families yet.
So obviously we have reason to proceed with some caution. I am almost glad for going through this experience because I was getting the impression that this was going to be super easy. We’re a black family looking for a black or bi-racial baby. But God said, hold your horses and be patient.
Since then we have been patient and have just gone on with our lives. Which could be a reason for my lack of posts. Ted describes it as being at a party waiting to be asked to dance. It’s a lot like that. It’s also like being on the Amazing Race where you get all of these cryptic instructions to do this or that, but everyone is at the finish line at the same time and someone has to choose a “winner”.
Here we are again, technically being shown a second time, but we have experienced the emotions of requesting to be shown to four birthmoms. Here are a few lessons that we are learning in our wait and we hope that this can serve as advice to those who may be considering adoption:
1) Live your life – as my mom used to say to me the best way to get a guy’s attention is to ignore him. She always comforted me when I was distraught over some knucklehead. But the same holds true here. While Ted was chilled, not so much anymore though, I was eating, breathing, and sleeping adoption. It was all I could think about. When the birthmoms chose other families Ted wasn’t as phased, but I was broken-hearted. While I concealed it as much as I could, I was broke down. My husband reminded me to keep the faith and to remember all of the things that we learn from our pastor. Yes, he ministered to me. The point here is to go on with life while you wait. I became very busy with work and church. Since it’s the holiday season, I am focusing more on helping others who are less fortunate. The best way to get over hurt is to help someone else. We are also focusing on each other. Because we know that our alone time will be limited once our blessing arrives ☺
2) It’s not all about altruism – Adoption through an agency is a business. Sort of. It’s non-profit but they have a job to do. We want a baby. The agency is in the “business” of finding families for babies/children. In order for them to operate, couples pay a fee for their services. Our worker, whom I believe is well meaning and has a good heart, has a job to do. She recruits and prepares families for adoption and “recruits” birthmoms in hopes to make a match with a family. If she makes a match, that looks good for her and the agency. As a result, we may have been the victims of her enthusiasm to do a good job. Now we get it. We have no hard feelings, but we have a better awareness, which allows us to better manage our emotions. Adoption is what it is and you have to be aware of this or you will be an emotional wreck.
3) Birthmoms are a mystery – when we made our different profiles, we have several by the way, we tried to make them as reflective as possible of who we are as people and who we would be as parents. We may be biased as well as our family and friends, but on paper, I think we look pretty darn good! In reality too. But we don’t know what the birthmoms are looking for. Some choose families because the family resembles their life, some choose because the family has children or pets. Who knows? We just viewed a webinar on open adoption and the birthmom talked about her process of choosing adoptive families. She initially eliminated families based on their looks. If they looked like they wouldn’t do better than her, they were eliminated. I must admit, although this sounds superficial, I have looked online at different adoptive families through our agency and after looking at some couples, I joked with Ted that surely we would be better parents than them. So I get it. But she chose because the adoptive mom was going to be a stay at home mom, like her own mother. This is where prayer and trust in God becomes more important than ever. We are just trusting that God will make the road smooth and direct us to the right birthmom, whether it’s tomorrow or next year. Of course, we are hoping it’s closer to the tomorrow.
This is where we are folks. I will be more consistent with my posts, at least weekly. One of the major purposes of this blog is to allow you to walk this journey with us, as it happens, so I promise to do better. By the way, if any of you have any questions about adoption or our process, please leave a comment or click on contact us. See you soon.
Now this isn’t our first time down this road. I mentioned in our last post, which was a while ago, that, once we we’re approved there were 3 birthmoms looking for families. We were excited beyond belief. Well, the first mom who was due in a few weeks and needed families right away, chose another family ☹ Then the second mom, who had been looking at families for a while decided on a family she was already viewing and never saw our profile. That was fair, but I just wish they had not put her in the mix. The third mom is still undecided and has not viewed families yet.
So obviously we have reason to proceed with some caution. I am almost glad for going through this experience because I was getting the impression that this was going to be super easy. We’re a black family looking for a black or bi-racial baby. But God said, hold your horses and be patient.
Since then we have been patient and have just gone on with our lives. Which could be a reason for my lack of posts. Ted describes it as being at a party waiting to be asked to dance. It’s a lot like that. It’s also like being on the Amazing Race where you get all of these cryptic instructions to do this or that, but everyone is at the finish line at the same time and someone has to choose a “winner”.
Here we are again, technically being shown a second time, but we have experienced the emotions of requesting to be shown to four birthmoms. Here are a few lessons that we are learning in our wait and we hope that this can serve as advice to those who may be considering adoption:
1) Live your life – as my mom used to say to me the best way to get a guy’s attention is to ignore him. She always comforted me when I was distraught over some knucklehead. But the same holds true here. While Ted was chilled, not so much anymore though, I was eating, breathing, and sleeping adoption. It was all I could think about. When the birthmoms chose other families Ted wasn’t as phased, but I was broken-hearted. While I concealed it as much as I could, I was broke down. My husband reminded me to keep the faith and to remember all of the things that we learn from our pastor. Yes, he ministered to me. The point here is to go on with life while you wait. I became very busy with work and church. Since it’s the holiday season, I am focusing more on helping others who are less fortunate. The best way to get over hurt is to help someone else. We are also focusing on each other. Because we know that our alone time will be limited once our blessing arrives ☺
2) It’s not all about altruism – Adoption through an agency is a business. Sort of. It’s non-profit but they have a job to do. We want a baby. The agency is in the “business” of finding families for babies/children. In order for them to operate, couples pay a fee for their services. Our worker, whom I believe is well meaning and has a good heart, has a job to do. She recruits and prepares families for adoption and “recruits” birthmoms in hopes to make a match with a family. If she makes a match, that looks good for her and the agency. As a result, we may have been the victims of her enthusiasm to do a good job. Now we get it. We have no hard feelings, but we have a better awareness, which allows us to better manage our emotions. Adoption is what it is and you have to be aware of this or you will be an emotional wreck.
3) Birthmoms are a mystery – when we made our different profiles, we have several by the way, we tried to make them as reflective as possible of who we are as people and who we would be as parents. We may be biased as well as our family and friends, but on paper, I think we look pretty darn good! In reality too. But we don’t know what the birthmoms are looking for. Some choose families because the family resembles their life, some choose because the family has children or pets. Who knows? We just viewed a webinar on open adoption and the birthmom talked about her process of choosing adoptive families. She initially eliminated families based on their looks. If they looked like they wouldn’t do better than her, they were eliminated. I must admit, although this sounds superficial, I have looked online at different adoptive families through our agency and after looking at some couples, I joked with Ted that surely we would be better parents than them. So I get it. But she chose because the adoptive mom was going to be a stay at home mom, like her own mother. This is where prayer and trust in God becomes more important than ever. We are just trusting that God will make the road smooth and direct us to the right birthmom, whether it’s tomorrow or next year. Of course, we are hoping it’s closer to the tomorrow.
This is where we are folks. I will be more consistent with my posts, at least weekly. One of the major purposes of this blog is to allow you to walk this journey with us, as it happens, so I promise to do better. By the way, if any of you have any questions about adoption or our process, please leave a comment or click on contact us. See you soon.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
What does it mean?
When we found out that we were approved for our homestudy I was in Seattle on a business trip. As a matter of fact I was at a luncheon and out of habit checked my email and saw the message from Bethany. It’s a bit of a blur now but I know I jumped up from my seat and ran into the hallway. I wanted to jump and shout but I didn’t want people to think I was crazy. I called Ted and of course that’s when the tears started flowing. At this point I no longer cared how I looked. I called our worker to see what we needed to do next. She was just as happy for us as we were. At that time, there were three moms looking for families. So for us to be considered by those moms we had to pay our fee to enter the “domestic program”.
Before I left for Seattle I meant to have a check ready just in case this happened. But I didn’t. I have to admit I was getting a little discouraged. So our worker informed me we could do it online, (which they told us before that credit card/debit card payments took 3 weeks to clear). I was ecstatic and I nearly ran back to my hotel. They probably never saw a black woman move so fast in the streets of Seattle. I made it to my hotel and was able to transfer the whopping $5,550 needed to complete our homestudy ($1,050) and pay the domestic program fee ($4,500). Within 30 minutes, our worker sent us the profiles of the 3 birth moms. Wow! It was that fast.
I tried to collect myself as best as I could so I could conduct business. Let’s just say the rest of the conference was a bust. I needed to call somebody. I really needed my mom. But I didn’t have time to get sad I just needed to talk it out. I called my friend Kiota who was getting ready for a wedding that Ted was also attending. I called her and she could hear it in my voice. She said, “You got a baby”. So I said, “Um no, but thanks for stealing my thunder”. When I told her we were only approved for our homestudy. She was still just as ecstatic. I proceeded toward the convention center talking to my friend of friends. We laughed and joked and thought about what all of this means. I’m so thankful to have friends to call on in good and bad times. Plus she was acting as my police officer that evening to make sure Ted didn’t dance with any hot women at the wedding. But WE decided WE would let him have a good time because his life was about to change. LOL!
That’s the story of how we found out about the homestudy. But what does this approval mean exactly? Before now, we were filling out extensive paperwork and doing our interviews, but we were not allowed to see any profiles of birth moms and vice versa. It’s like we had to go through the steps to qualify to see these precious secret profiles. The approval of the homestudy and the payment of course lifted this veil of secrecy. Our worker would give us hints about moms that were due, but that’s all she could tell us and she probably wasn’t supposed to tell us that much. Now our worker sends us profiles of birth moms based on what we’re looking for. We also see basic information on birth moms who are in their system or moms they are working to bring into their system.
Over the past month or so, I found it very comforting that when I told friends and colleagues that we were still waiting on approval, their response was, “What’s the problem? What do they need to know? You all will be wonderful parents”. They were really offended that it took this long :) It was so sweet. What they didn't know was that in some cases approval could take longer. Ted and I are so grateful for the prayers and support that have been given to us. We continue to need them. I will continue to post on our journey.
Before I left for Seattle I meant to have a check ready just in case this happened. But I didn’t. I have to admit I was getting a little discouraged. So our worker informed me we could do it online, (which they told us before that credit card/debit card payments took 3 weeks to clear). I was ecstatic and I nearly ran back to my hotel. They probably never saw a black woman move so fast in the streets of Seattle. I made it to my hotel and was able to transfer the whopping $5,550 needed to complete our homestudy ($1,050) and pay the domestic program fee ($4,500). Within 30 minutes, our worker sent us the profiles of the 3 birth moms. Wow! It was that fast.
I tried to collect myself as best as I could so I could conduct business. Let’s just say the rest of the conference was a bust. I needed to call somebody. I really needed my mom. But I didn’t have time to get sad I just needed to talk it out. I called my friend Kiota who was getting ready for a wedding that Ted was also attending. I called her and she could hear it in my voice. She said, “You got a baby”. So I said, “Um no, but thanks for stealing my thunder”. When I told her we were only approved for our homestudy. She was still just as ecstatic. I proceeded toward the convention center talking to my friend of friends. We laughed and joked and thought about what all of this means. I’m so thankful to have friends to call on in good and bad times. Plus she was acting as my police officer that evening to make sure Ted didn’t dance with any hot women at the wedding. But WE decided WE would let him have a good time because his life was about to change. LOL!
That’s the story of how we found out about the homestudy. But what does this approval mean exactly? Before now, we were filling out extensive paperwork and doing our interviews, but we were not allowed to see any profiles of birth moms and vice versa. It’s like we had to go through the steps to qualify to see these precious secret profiles. The approval of the homestudy and the payment of course lifted this veil of secrecy. Our worker would give us hints about moms that were due, but that’s all she could tell us and she probably wasn’t supposed to tell us that much. Now our worker sends us profiles of birth moms based on what we’re looking for. We also see basic information on birth moms who are in their system or moms they are working to bring into their system.
Over the past month or so, I found it very comforting that when I told friends and colleagues that we were still waiting on approval, their response was, “What’s the problem? What do they need to know? You all will be wonderful parents”. They were really offended that it took this long :) It was so sweet. What they didn't know was that in some cases approval could take longer. Ted and I are so grateful for the prayers and support that have been given to us. We continue to need them. I will continue to post on our journey.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
My Bad
I really didn't mean to keep you in suspense this long. Please see the video. Be sure to note my husbands banter at the beginning. Just another day in the life :)
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
And We Waited
After our last home visit our worker gave us good reason to think that she could complete our paperwork quickly and that we could get approval pretty fast. So that week she called us with more clarifications and last minute paperwork to get signed. One of the forms holding up our process was additional verification from our physicians making sure that we were indeed healthy. Ted made a personal appearance to his doctors office to hand deliver a form and they returned it that day. But our efforts were to no avail because our worker went on vacation. Nerds!
While our worker vacationed, we tried to keep ourselves busy. We watched webinars on adoption (because we still have 10 required hours of training before placement). We added to our registries (shout out to my friend Kim who gave me quite an education in Babies R Us). She came to my rescue or really Ted's. We also attended an infant care class. What an education that was. They dismantled all the things that I grew up with. Don't use powder. Don't use certain lotions and shampoos. Don't do this or that. The Madeas and the Big Mamas of the world would have been in dismay with all the things the nurse told us :) Nevertheless the information was useful. We took lots of notes. I learned how to change a diaper. Finally! We also bought the book, "What to Expect the First Year". This book is huge! We have lots of reading to do.
We also had to generate a profile book. This is what the birthmother will see when she chooses families. Please see the link on our blog that we shared via Shutterfly.
The saga continues...
While our worker vacationed, we tried to keep ourselves busy. We watched webinars on adoption (because we still have 10 required hours of training before placement). We added to our registries (shout out to my friend Kim who gave me quite an education in Babies R Us). She came to my rescue or really Ted's. We also attended an infant care class. What an education that was. They dismantled all the things that I grew up with. Don't use powder. Don't use certain lotions and shampoos. Don't do this or that. The Madeas and the Big Mamas of the world would have been in dismay with all the things the nurse told us :) Nevertheless the information was useful. We took lots of notes. I learned how to change a diaper. Finally! We also bought the book, "What to Expect the First Year". This book is huge! We have lots of reading to do.
We also had to generate a profile book. This is what the birthmother will see when she chooses families. Please see the link on our blog that we shared via Shutterfly.
The saga continues...
Monday, October 15, 2012
Our Home Visits
In September we began our home visits. Our worker came to our home at 3 different times over three consecutive weeks to interview us. The visits went well but it was nerve wrecking. (Note: each agency is different, some may require fewer home visits, but the information below is specific to our agency)
Visit #1
Our worker asked us general questions. Mostly about our family background and clarifying anything that she had questions about on our application. She wanted to know how we came to the decision to adopt, etc. It lasted over 2 hours. Mostly because of my talkative husband ☺ He was indeed in his wheelhouse. This visit was a little painful because we ended up discussing my parents quite a bit and I was not ready for this discussion or the feelings that came afterward. I realized just how much of our lives were devoted to them. I would certainly do it all over again, but our worker was just in awe over the stories we told her about that time in our lives.
Visit #2
This visit I just knew I blew it! I did not feel well so I wasn’t exactly Mrs. Bright and Cheery. This was the visit where she had to speak to us individually. Although it wasn’t bad in hindsight. At the time it felt like we were suspects in a crime and they had to separate us to see if our stories checked out. Before our individual interviews we had to complete a questionnaire about ourselves, our upbringing and each other. Something like, how would you describe your spouse? How often do you argue? How do you handle conflict? These were all multiple choice, which made it easier, but it was still difficult, wondering if our answers would disqualify us. In our individual interviews she asked similar questions to those on the questionnaire but asked us more about each other and ourselves. Ted did his interview first. Big mistake. He talked for well over an hour. I think it was close to two. She laughed and laughed and laughed. Of course I was trying to keep myself busy and trying not to eavesdrop. I was unsuccessful at both. My interview lasted 30 or 40 minutes. I answered what was asked. That was it. I didn’t want to mess up so I didn’t elaborate unless I had to. Finally it was over and I could breathe.
Visit #3
At our last home visit we were excited to get through this and get it done. One of our first questions to her was how were things going. How were we looking? She assured us that if there were any problems we would know by now. With this visit she clarified more things from our application. It was pretty easy. She asked about our care plans (day care, school, etc.), about our finances for the adoption, and the type of people who would be around the baby. She also verified information provided by our references. It pays to be honest because if we weren’t, these people would know. They really should work for politicians ☺. Our worker told us of potential birthmothers that would be due in the coming months. The one question that got us really excited was, “have you started your registries?” We were like “huh?” No we hadn’t at that time. We weren’t thinking about that yet. There was so much to do during this process that fun stuff like registries sort of slipped our mind. Our meeting ended on a very friendly and hopeful note. She told us that she never laughed so much at her home visits as she had with ours. She assured us that this was a good thing. Whew!
So that was Sept. 28. We celebrated by going to Target to start one of our registries. Which we now need to revise because we had no idea what we were doing. The next day we went to Babies R Us and registered there too. But again we were clueless. We did not accomplish much, but we enjoyed each other and the excitement. More to come…
Visit #1
Our worker asked us general questions. Mostly about our family background and clarifying anything that she had questions about on our application. She wanted to know how we came to the decision to adopt, etc. It lasted over 2 hours. Mostly because of my talkative husband ☺ He was indeed in his wheelhouse. This visit was a little painful because we ended up discussing my parents quite a bit and I was not ready for this discussion or the feelings that came afterward. I realized just how much of our lives were devoted to them. I would certainly do it all over again, but our worker was just in awe over the stories we told her about that time in our lives.
Visit #2
This visit I just knew I blew it! I did not feel well so I wasn’t exactly Mrs. Bright and Cheery. This was the visit where she had to speak to us individually. Although it wasn’t bad in hindsight. At the time it felt like we were suspects in a crime and they had to separate us to see if our stories checked out. Before our individual interviews we had to complete a questionnaire about ourselves, our upbringing and each other. Something like, how would you describe your spouse? How often do you argue? How do you handle conflict? These were all multiple choice, which made it easier, but it was still difficult, wondering if our answers would disqualify us. In our individual interviews she asked similar questions to those on the questionnaire but asked us more about each other and ourselves. Ted did his interview first. Big mistake. He talked for well over an hour. I think it was close to two. She laughed and laughed and laughed. Of course I was trying to keep myself busy and trying not to eavesdrop. I was unsuccessful at both. My interview lasted 30 or 40 minutes. I answered what was asked. That was it. I didn’t want to mess up so I didn’t elaborate unless I had to. Finally it was over and I could breathe.
Visit #3
At our last home visit we were excited to get through this and get it done. One of our first questions to her was how were things going. How were we looking? She assured us that if there were any problems we would know by now. With this visit she clarified more things from our application. It was pretty easy. She asked about our care plans (day care, school, etc.), about our finances for the adoption, and the type of people who would be around the baby. She also verified information provided by our references. It pays to be honest because if we weren’t, these people would know. They really should work for politicians ☺. Our worker told us of potential birthmothers that would be due in the coming months. The one question that got us really excited was, “have you started your registries?” We were like “huh?” No we hadn’t at that time. We weren’t thinking about that yet. There was so much to do during this process that fun stuff like registries sort of slipped our mind. Our meeting ended on a very friendly and hopeful note. She told us that she never laughed so much at her home visits as she had with ours. She assured us that this was a good thing. Whew!
So that was Sept. 28. We celebrated by going to Target to start one of our registries. Which we now need to revise because we had no idea what we were doing. The next day we went to Babies R Us and registered there too. But again we were clueless. We did not accomplish much, but we enjoyed each other and the excitement. More to come…
It's been awhile
Hello everyone. I realized I haven't posted in 2 weeks. I told Ted last week I
needed to make a post because we owe it to our followers. He said "yeah, all 3 of
them". Lol!
Whether we have 3 or 3003 it matters to me that we keep up with our journey via our blog as promised. That being said I will make several posts to catch you up to where we are. I'm keeping you in suspense. Stay tuned because its good :)
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Our profile book
This book is what birth moms will see when they begin to look at families. It provides them with insight into the families and their lives and helps them with their decision. Enjoy
We want to give a shout out to Kimberly Hodge-Bell for taking pictures of us and to my co-worker Jessica Silva-Fisher for putting the book together for us. We have just been so blessed.
We want to give a shout out to Kimberly Hodge-Bell for taking pictures of us and to my co-worker Jessica Silva-Fisher for putting the book together for us. We have just been so blessed.
Click here to view this photo book larger
Shutterfly offers exclusive photobook layouts so you can make your book just the way you want.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
We all scream for "ice cream-like yogurt"
As you all can see we had a great time stuffing our faces at Orange Leaf. I think they should use these pics in their advertisements :) We appreciate our family, friends and my students for coming out and supporting us. We hope we can do this again before it gets too cold for frozen yogurt, if there is such a thing.
Our cousin Tara and our little comedienne cousin, Skyye.
Aunt Sandra, one of the best cooks this side of heaven.
Our cousin Kulani, our resident teenager who still hangs out with us, but she keeps her phone close by. At least we get to see her. lol!
Our little cousin Nyia. Probably her last photo before officially becoming a teenager.
My big "sis" Dorcas and Aunt Nell sharing a laugh.
The best students in the world!
Our cousin Rhonda who looks just like my mom :)
Monday, September 24, 2012
Yogurt for a cause!
Please join us tonight at Orange Leaf Yogurt on Clayton Rd at 6 pm. For every flier submitted with a purchase, Our hearts desire receives $1. Can't make it at that time? Well you can go any time today. Or any time on wednesday, Sept. 26.
See the flier under the "fundraisers" tab. If you have problems with that flier we can email you a copy directly just contact us at ourheartsdesire1@gmail.com.
Hope to see you there!
See the flier under the "fundraisers" tab. If you have problems with that flier we can email you a copy directly just contact us at ourheartsdesire1@gmail.com.
Hope to see you there!
Monday, September 17, 2012
One Weak Apart
I'm finally home from a conference. I have been gone for nearly 7 days. I travel with some frequency for my job, but a week is a little long. It seemed even longer this time. I was very busy at this conference, so I was exhausted. I came to the conference exhausted because of all of the excitement over the past few weeks. Being away was good because it allowed me to focus on my career a little bit and it gave me a reprieve from thinking adoption 24-7. However, I was not prepared for how much I would miss my husband. We have grown much closer in this process and we're connecting and growing in our love for each other.
As a professional woman, sometimes society and my work environment make me feel that having a career is first and foremost. That to need and miss your husband means that you're not independent. Or better yet, that to alter your plans or to defer to your husband's plans or needs means that you're not as serious about your career. Women who value their family life and put it first may be made to feel that they're taking the women's movement back a few decades. I am not ashamed to say that I missed Ted terribly and that I value my marriage over my career trajectory. And when we have our child(ren), I know this will be more intense. I'm not living in a fantasy world here. I don't always put him before my career. And yes he gets on my nerves and sometimes I'm more than happy to take my trips. I also know that being a mother is often a thankless job. But at the end of the day, I love being Ted's wife and I want to be a mother. I know I want my career. I want to be at the top of the heap and I'm striving to do just that. However, I don't want to be there alone.
At the conference I just attended one of the fellow members of the organization brought her husband. She is quite accomplished. She has been married for 42 years (that's longer than I've been alive and she looks good). But I saw them together laughing and just enjoying each other. She found a way to work and to incorporate the most important relationship she has.
While I'm certainly a strong woman, Ted and I are at the point in our marriage where we are growing to be a part of each other. "And the two SHALL become one". Marriage is as much a process as adoption. But Ted gives me strength just as I for him. So I'm looking forward to returning home to the loving arms of my hubby. I gladly proclaim that I'm much stronger with him around.
And I thought this was just going to be an adoption blog :)
As a professional woman, sometimes society and my work environment make me feel that having a career is first and foremost. That to need and miss your husband means that you're not independent. Or better yet, that to alter your plans or to defer to your husband's plans or needs means that you're not as serious about your career. Women who value their family life and put it first may be made to feel that they're taking the women's movement back a few decades. I am not ashamed to say that I missed Ted terribly and that I value my marriage over my career trajectory. And when we have our child(ren), I know this will be more intense. I'm not living in a fantasy world here. I don't always put him before my career. And yes he gets on my nerves and sometimes I'm more than happy to take my trips. I also know that being a mother is often a thankless job. But at the end of the day, I love being Ted's wife and I want to be a mother. I know I want my career. I want to be at the top of the heap and I'm striving to do just that. However, I don't want to be there alone.
At the conference I just attended one of the fellow members of the organization brought her husband. She is quite accomplished. She has been married for 42 years (that's longer than I've been alive and she looks good). But I saw them together laughing and just enjoying each other. She found a way to work and to incorporate the most important relationship she has.
While I'm certainly a strong woman, Ted and I are at the point in our marriage where we are growing to be a part of each other. "And the two SHALL become one". Marriage is as much a process as adoption. But Ted gives me strength just as I for him. So I'm looking forward to returning home to the loving arms of my hubby. I gladly proclaim that I'm much stronger with him around.
And I thought this was just going to be an adoption blog :)
We are The Shaddings
We had our first home visit last week. It went very well, I think. Of course I was frantic while Ted behaved as if it was just a regular day. We rushed to get our house back in order from our family reunion and garage sale. I wanted everything to be perfect and everything in its place. Well, things weren't perfect in the house, and that was ok. Our adoption specialist asked some tough questions; some we expected and some we didn't. She did a walk through of our imperfect home. Even the washroom! The place my husband swears no one will ever see so why do I insist that he clean it. Question asked and answered.
Our specialist really made us feel at ease and comfortable. But before the interview I wondered if we should temper ourselves or just be who we are. I was really more concerned about my free flowing hubby :) But I worried if they would like just regular Ted and Cher? Not the folks on paper, but the flawed people at the house. Would they deem us as appropriate parents? So while we started the home visit with our "representatives" the "real" us quickly emerged. We are who we are. We love God, we love each other. We have good and bad days and we miss the mark. A lot! But we love our lives together. We love to laugh and to share our stories of the day with one another. We comfort each other in pain and sorrow. We share old fashioned values instilled by our wonderful parents. We love worshipping together and spending quality time with family and friends. We are not perfect but we have made ourselves available to this process and to God's leading us on this path.
So does our agency approve of us? We still don't know the answer to this question. Our worker laughed a lot and she sympathized when we shared our personal tragedies and struggles. We have some major hurdles yet to jump before we know this answer. What we do know is that the real Ted and Cher will continue to show up and share our genuine desire for parenthood.
What we also know is that we need to buy a fire extinguisher, carbon monoxide detectors and to put our household chemicals in a different place. The fun never ends :)
Our specialist really made us feel at ease and comfortable. But before the interview I wondered if we should temper ourselves or just be who we are. I was really more concerned about my free flowing hubby :) But I worried if they would like just regular Ted and Cher? Not the folks on paper, but the flawed people at the house. Would they deem us as appropriate parents? So while we started the home visit with our "representatives" the "real" us quickly emerged. We are who we are. We love God, we love each other. We have good and bad days and we miss the mark. A lot! But we love our lives together. We love to laugh and to share our stories of the day with one another. We comfort each other in pain and sorrow. We share old fashioned values instilled by our wonderful parents. We love worshipping together and spending quality time with family and friends. We are not perfect but we have made ourselves available to this process and to God's leading us on this path.
So does our agency approve of us? We still don't know the answer to this question. Our worker laughed a lot and she sympathized when we shared our personal tragedies and struggles. We have some major hurdles yet to jump before we know this answer. What we do know is that the real Ted and Cher will continue to show up and share our genuine desire for parenthood.
What we also know is that we need to buy a fire extinguisher, carbon monoxide detectors and to put our household chemicals in a different place. The fun never ends :)
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Baby, Set, Go?
The bible says the race is not given to the swift nor the strong but to the one who endures to the end (paraphrased). Well the race could be given to all of the above in our case. We were swift and strong and endured the process to finish our paperwork on Aug. 24. We were contacted to set up interviews the following week! I thought it would take a little longer for them to contact us. We will begin the interview process on this Monday, Sept. 10 and will finish by the end of the month on Sept. 28.
The kicker here is that our adoption specialist tells us that there are several African-American birthmothers who will give birth in the next few weeks. They essentially want us to get through the next few steps of the process quickly so they can present us to these mothers. WOW! If we have everything in place we could potentially be parents in October. OCTOBER! In the words of Tracy Jordan on my fav TV show 30 Rock, “I’m buggin out!”
Again we have been so focused on the process that we have not had time to calmly consider the parenting part. While the books we have read, suggest doing this during the waiting period. They never told us what to do if there is no real waiting period.
Our biggest hurdle is the finances. We desperately need to raise the placement costs of ~$14,300. We are leaving no stone unturned over the next few weeks. We ask for your prayers but we really ask for your support. We will be having a Benefit Garage sale this Saturday. Also we will have fundraisers at Orange leaf Clayton on each Monday in September (10th, 17th and 24th) and a bonus day on Sept. 26 (see Fundraisers for details).
We still have no guarantees that things will happen as fast as our worker is suggesting, but we must be prepared. We are so grateful for the hope that that has been instilled in us. We are also humbled. While Ted has experience with babies, I have none, at least not on my own. I have always had the actual parents around. As Butterfly McQueen said “ I don’t know nothin' bout' birthin' no babies” . Well in our case it’s really carin' for the baby. But I guess I better learn quickly. YouTube to the rescue :)
The kicker here is that our adoption specialist tells us that there are several African-American birthmothers who will give birth in the next few weeks. They essentially want us to get through the next few steps of the process quickly so they can present us to these mothers. WOW! If we have everything in place we could potentially be parents in October. OCTOBER! In the words of Tracy Jordan on my fav TV show 30 Rock, “I’m buggin out!”
Again we have been so focused on the process that we have not had time to calmly consider the parenting part. While the books we have read, suggest doing this during the waiting period. They never told us what to do if there is no real waiting period.
Our biggest hurdle is the finances. We desperately need to raise the placement costs of ~$14,300. We are leaving no stone unturned over the next few weeks. We ask for your prayers but we really ask for your support. We will be having a Benefit Garage sale this Saturday. Also we will have fundraisers at Orange leaf Clayton on each Monday in September (10th, 17th and 24th) and a bonus day on Sept. 26 (see Fundraisers for details).
We still have no guarantees that things will happen as fast as our worker is suggesting, but we must be prepared. We are so grateful for the hope that that has been instilled in us. We are also humbled. While Ted has experience with babies, I have none, at least not on my own. I have always had the actual parents around. As Butterfly McQueen said “ I don’t know nothin' bout' birthin' no babies” . Well in our case it’s really carin' for the baby. But I guess I better learn quickly. YouTube to the rescue :)
Sunday, August 26, 2012
“We Do!” Again!
Our paper work is finished! Now we await our interviews. As exciting as it is to complete this phase, the road to get to this point was long. It was the source of many long days, nights, and days off of work, arguments, and stress. It wasn’t all bad, but this was no small feat. In addition we are planning our family reunion, where over 60 people will descend on our house this Friday. Again, long days, nights, arguments, stress, etc. This has indeed been a long summer, filled with anticipation. But in the midst of us preparing for the day that we receive our precious child, we got so caught up in the process we forgot that we actually have to live and talk about what kind of parents we’re going to be. The foundation of our parenthood of course, is our marriage.
So to make sure that we’re on solid ground, we took part in a marriage seminar (simulcast) this weekend at our church, Lifelong Love Affair (marriagetoday.com). It was awesome! We learned new things and we were reminded of things that we have forgotten or had not considered. We were reminded that we are partners and to do things as such. That while the man is the head, we are equals. We are here to help each other because we can’t accomplish what God designed for us to do alone. We were reminded to serve each other and to treat each other better than we do anyone else. Sometimes we give our best to everyone else and we give our spouse what’s left, if that. But we are to give our best to our spouse. If either one of us is in a foul mood or argumentative, then we fight that “spirit” with love. Fighting fire with fire creates a bigger fire. While this wasn’t necessarily news, the way in which it was presented and was received was new. It was one of the many light bulb moments.
The seminar ended with a renewing of the vows. Not exactly how we pictured renewing our vows in jeans and capris and t-shirts, with thousands of other couples. But the sentiment was there. We removed our rings (well Ted had to pretend to remove my ring. my ring is a little tight ☺) and promised our lifelong love to each other, again. We feel like a brand new couple. We now feel that we can begin our deep discussions of what our lives, as parents will be. Not that we are finished working on us. This will be a continual and necessary process. We have to be committed to each other and take care of our foundation in order to build one for our family. We encourage all of our friends to either formally or informally re-dedicate yourselves to making your marriage all that God intended.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Follow our Blog!
Hello everyone. We just figured this out. We have added two new features to our blog, that will allow you to follow us. Whenever we post new content, you will get an email from our blog. It's really simple and there are two ways to do it. Option 1 - click on the "join this site" button (in the side bar under our logo) to follow our blog, if you have a google, yahoo or twitter account. If you have other email accounts, choose Option 2 (in the sidebar), and enter your email address and press submit. It's that easy!
Let's see how many followers we can get this week. Please share this information with your friends and family.
Let's see how many followers we can get this week. Please share this information with your friends and family.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Let your Light Shine!
I am an avid reader of Our Daily Bread. One of the meditations for the past week was about letting our light shine, no matter who we are. It was referring to the book of Matthew where Jesus encouraged the disciples to let their light shine before men so they may see their good works.
After the past few days, I have an additional view on this phrase. While my husband is a little loud and can let it all hang out, I am much more reserved. As Ted says, I hold my cards close to my chest. However as a couple we are very private. We try to handle everything we do, ourselves. We try not to inconvenience anyone. Over the past couple of weeks we began sending brochures to family and friends announcing our adoption plans and asking for help. This was huge for us as a couple and humbling. This past week, I sent an email to my co-workers, trying to sell items, but I also let people know why I was selling items. Because of my pride, I battled for weeks, whether or not, to let people at work know what we were doing and that we needed help. But I’m so glad I did. People shared some beautiful and inspirational stories (see Share with Us). Also we got our first donation as a result of my sharing!
During the month of August, our pastor has been doing a series on Vision Victory. The essence of it is that if you don’t have vision, you can’t have victory in your life. He also talked about one’s vision being connected to people. In other words, we need people to fulfill our vision. The right people.
Receiving our first donation (Thanks Rodney!) and the promise of others (Thanks Cousin Esther and Candace!) is showing us how people are really connected to our vision. Our vision of having our baby. Our pastor and others at church have prayed for us. People have shared their excitement. But none of this would have happened if we didn’t let our light shine. If we had not shared our story with all of these people, we would be struggling trying to do things on our own and perhaps not seeing the victory that God intends. By us keeping things to ourselves we may have been robbing ourselves of the life we truly desire.
So let your light shine! Share your story. You never know whose heart will be touched by your words, by your mission, or by the way you live your life.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
By the way, why are you adopting?
This question may be popping into your mind by now. We realize that going through this process and having a fundraising campaign/blog means that our lives will be fairly open. So we are willing to give a lot of information without totally giving up our privacy. We have considered adoption for several years now. We are just now in a place where we’re ready to put ourselves through the scrutiny the adoption process brings.
In 2008, Ted was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was a very aggressive form so the doctor recommended a very aggressive treatment. (He is now 4 years CANCER FREE!!) But this also meant that having children the “old fashioned way” would not be possible. We accepted that and looked into adoption. We also prepared for the more non-traditional ways of having children; various forms of artificial insemination. Unfortunately, I also had physical issues, which likely made our attempts unsuccessful. After a year of testing and trying, we decided that the end result was much more important the process. We were more concerned with becoming parents versus how we became parents. So we officially started the adoption process after several years of attending fairs and informationals on adoption. Plus I will be turning the big 4-0 next year so the ticking of my biological clock is making us both deaf ☺
Why private adoption?
In two of our “Adoption 101” posts, you can see that there are several options and that there are cost differences. We did consider adoption through a public agency. We knew that we wanted young children so we could have that experience together. Unfortunately, the public agency was only accepting applications for children within a certain age range. No matter how hard we tried, we could not convince them of our willingness to adopt in their age range. They know that we really wanted an infant. So we returned to the option of private adoption. The plus side is that adopting an infant even a newborn is highly likely, especially for us. The downside of course is the expense and the uncertainty that goes with it (will the birthparents like us and choose us?)
Worth the wait
This morning I was reading “Our Daily Bread” (odb.org/) and the title of today’s entry was, “Worth the Wait”. The author was referencing Heaven and how all of the trials and twists and turns that Christians have faced will be well worth it once they see Heaven. Well I think of our process in this same way. We have chosen a more rigorous agency so every adoption is not like ours. But we do believe that once we go through it and have our precious baby or babies (would love to have more than one), it will be worth the wait.
I have also written an essay about our journey here. If I get the nerve perhaps I will post it one day ☺ (Big shout out to my summer writers institute classmates and our extraordinary teacher, Kathleen Finneran!)
Post by C. Shadding
In 2008, Ted was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was a very aggressive form so the doctor recommended a very aggressive treatment. (He is now 4 years CANCER FREE!!) But this also meant that having children the “old fashioned way” would not be possible. We accepted that and looked into adoption. We also prepared for the more non-traditional ways of having children; various forms of artificial insemination. Unfortunately, I also had physical issues, which likely made our attempts unsuccessful. After a year of testing and trying, we decided that the end result was much more important the process. We were more concerned with becoming parents versus how we became parents. So we officially started the adoption process after several years of attending fairs and informationals on adoption. Plus I will be turning the big 4-0 next year so the ticking of my biological clock is making us both deaf ☺
Why private adoption?
In two of our “Adoption 101” posts, you can see that there are several options and that there are cost differences. We did consider adoption through a public agency. We knew that we wanted young children so we could have that experience together. Unfortunately, the public agency was only accepting applications for children within a certain age range. No matter how hard we tried, we could not convince them of our willingness to adopt in their age range. They know that we really wanted an infant. So we returned to the option of private adoption. The plus side is that adopting an infant even a newborn is highly likely, especially for us. The downside of course is the expense and the uncertainty that goes with it (will the birthparents like us and choose us?)
Worth the wait
This morning I was reading “Our Daily Bread” (odb.org/) and the title of today’s entry was, “Worth the Wait”. The author was referencing Heaven and how all of the trials and twists and turns that Christians have faced will be well worth it once they see Heaven. Well I think of our process in this same way. We have chosen a more rigorous agency so every adoption is not like ours. But we do believe that once we go through it and have our precious baby or babies (would love to have more than one), it will be worth the wait.
I have also written an essay about our journey here. If I get the nerve perhaps I will post it one day ☺ (Big shout out to my summer writers institute classmates and our extraordinary teacher, Kathleen Finneran!)
Post by C. Shadding
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Having fun at the Y-M-C-A
Our day of CPR training. We actually learned a lot. As you can see we had some fun too. Ted got a kick out of telling everyone that I am a germ-a-phobe. He loves looking into to the future wondering how I'm going to change a diaper or clean up baby vomit. I will rise to the occasion for sure :) I'll just keep my hand sanitizer and wipes close by. haha!
I had a "leg injury" and Ted is practicing what to do
Poor baby
1and2and3and4and....
Ted distracting his rescuers with his jokes
Friday, August 10, 2012
The Homestudy aka the “vetting” process
And we thought the application was thorough! The homestudy is the period where an agency “checks out” the couple or person who has applied for adoption. We are in this part of the process now. For us, it has involved mounds of paperwork including checking our references (employers, family, friends, church), which we have heard from our family and friends, that these forms were no small feat. So we pause to give a quick shout out to our references. Thank You!!
We also had to undergo background checks. The agency submitted forms on our behalf to EVERY state where we have lived. We also had to do fingerprinting.
We completed forms to assess our physical and mental health as well as that of our parents, siblings, etc. Forms to discuss our backgrounds growing up (basically, did we like our parents and do we have any childhood issues that may re-surface). We completed an assessment to evaluate our feelings for each other and our life together (should be an interesting conversation at our interviews). We submitted financial statements, proof of health insurance, tax documents, etc.
For some agencies we investigated this process can take up to 6 months. For the one we chose, the process was slated to take only 3 months. We will be at 90 days on August 25th, so it may take a little longer to be completely finished. Some of this will depend on the rest of our references and background checks.
A crucial component to our homestudy is the training. To qualify for the homestudy, we had to attend an 8-hour workshop with the agency, in addition to the formal application. Here we learned about what to expect in adoption. It was very informative. But we also met adoptive parents as well as birth mothers who passionately described what it was like for them to make the decision to allow someone else to parent their child. It was so touching.
We are continuing our training by reading 3 books along with book reports for each. We both have to read the books and submit separate book reports. Guess which one of us is almost finished ☺
So we are almost finished with our end of the homestudy paperwork. We will take a CPR class on Saturday and once we finish the book reports our part will be complete for the paperwork.
Once the paperwork is submitted and reviewed, and approved, then we will have 3 interviews with our adoption specialist, where she will come to our home and interview us individually and then together. She will check out our home and see if it’s suitable. But mostly she will be giving us the “once over” to make sure we’re stable enough for a child. This will certainly be an interesting post(s) once we get to this phase of the homestudy. We should be ready to run for office when this is done ☺
After the homestudy, we officially enter what is known through our agency, as the Domestic Program, where birthmothers will be able to look at our profile and hopefully decide that we are the parents she wants for her child.
We are looking forward to this day.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Adoption 101 – How much does it cost?
Adoption costs may be the determining factor as to when or whether a couple adopts. The costs vary depending on the adoption type. In general the costs can range from $0 to $40,000 or more.
Here are the costs according to ago.mo.gov
Private agency - $4,000 - $30,000
Independent - $5,000 - $40,000 (there is potential that the costs can be greater, due to additional legal fees)
Public – $0 - $3,500
International - $7,000 - $35,000 (international agencies can impose additional fees and the costs may depend on the amount of travel required)
Our costs will be close to $25,000+. These costs include:
The formal application fee and training workshop - ~$600.00
Homestudy - $2,100
Domestic Program - $4,500
Placement fee - $13,300
Post placement fee - $950.00
Lawyer fees - $2,500— $4,000
How do couples afford adoption?
• There are grants available for adoptions. The applications are also pretty involved from what we have seen thus far. These are probably most advantageous for couples with a longer wait period. So far from what we have seen, you must have an approved homestudy before you apply. Our concern and joy, is that our wait period may be relatively short, leaving us little time to apply or even get the grant money in time for placement. But this is still an option for us.
• Some couples borrow money from banks, credit cards, family, friends (we owe enough money to banks thanks to the Ph.D in the house ☺)
• Some may start businesses or sell lots of stuff through fundraisers
• Some couples simply ask for help from people they know
We are choosing the fundraiser and donation options because we really want to do this debt-free if at all possible.
We will be hosting fundraisers and we have also included a donate button where donations can be made securely through PayPal.
We would love to hear your fundraising ideas as well. Either post a comment here or go to “Share with us” in the tab bar above.
Here are the costs according to ago.mo.gov
Private agency - $4,000 - $30,000
Independent - $5,000 - $40,000 (there is potential that the costs can be greater, due to additional legal fees)
Public – $0 - $3,500
International - $7,000 - $35,000 (international agencies can impose additional fees and the costs may depend on the amount of travel required)
Our costs will be close to $25,000+. These costs include:
The formal application fee and training workshop - ~$600.00
Homestudy - $2,100
Domestic Program - $4,500
Placement fee - $13,300
Post placement fee - $950.00
Lawyer fees - $2,500— $4,000
How do couples afford adoption?
• There are grants available for adoptions. The applications are also pretty involved from what we have seen thus far. These are probably most advantageous for couples with a longer wait period. So far from what we have seen, you must have an approved homestudy before you apply. Our concern and joy, is that our wait period may be relatively short, leaving us little time to apply or even get the grant money in time for placement. But this is still an option for us.
• Some couples borrow money from banks, credit cards, family, friends (we owe enough money to banks thanks to the Ph.D in the house ☺)
• Some may start businesses or sell lots of stuff through fundraisers
• Some couples simply ask for help from people they know
We are choosing the fundraiser and donation options because we really want to do this debt-free if at all possible.
We will be hosting fundraisers and we have also included a donate button where donations can be made securely through PayPal.
We would love to hear your fundraising ideas as well. Either post a comment here or go to “Share with us” in the tab bar above.
Adoption 101 - Types of Adoption
There are several types of adoption. The broadest categories are probably domestic and international adoption.
Domestic Adoption – here we will discuss three types: private agency, independent and public agency.
Private agency - these agencies work with both the birth parents and the adoptive parents. They typically provide workshops, training and counseling for both entities. Some encourage open adoption, where there is some level of communication between the birth parents, adoptive parents and the adoptee (The adoption triangle). Costs include the homestudy, placement costs and can include medical expenses and living expenses for the birth mother. The agency usually has some minimum requirements for the birthparents. The homestudy can be quite extensive with this type of adoption. Also the birth parents choose who will adopt their baby. This type of adoption can be quite long in some cases, namely for white infants.
Independent – this involves working with a lawyer or possibly an adoption facilitator. The adoptive parents have more control over the process and control the search for a birth mother. The wait time can be relatively short and largely depends on finding a birth parent. The fees can be unpredictable and not as closely regulated as private or public agency adoption.
Public agency/Foster Care adoption – children who may have been taken away form their homes due to neglect, abuse or the death of their parents may be placed in foster care. The state works with the birth parents to determine their fit to parent again. If it is determined either by the state or the birth parents, then the child will become eligible for adoption. The great benefit here, is that this is usually free to adopt via this mechanism or of low cost. And there are subsidies that are provided by the state. However, the children are usually older and may have a variety of emotional, learning or physical issues, due to their history, that prospective adoptive parents must honestly consider.
With some caveats, in most cases for domestic adoption, the parent has to terminate parental rights (TPR) before a child may be legally adopted by prospective parents.
International Adoption:
This form of adoption has gained popularity over the years. In 2005, it was reported that more than 20,000 children from abroad were adopted. The orphanages and agencies abroad largely control this process and work with an agency or a lawyer or the adoptive parents directly. Thus concern over a birthmother changing her mind is minimized. There are many things to consider, like travel, cultural differences, possibly other factors. The time for international adoption in some cases may be shorter than domestic adoption, especially for parents who were initially interested in adopting a healthy white, infant. Some of the more popular countries for US parents are: China, Korea, and Latin America. The countries where adoptions are possible will depend on the political climate of that country which can dictate the quality of the adoption process.
This is just a quick overview of the types of adoption. The next post will cover costs for each type. For more information on the types of adoption: visit ago.mo.gov. A great resource on international adoption is The Whole Life Adoption Book by Schooler and Atwood.
Domestic Adoption – here we will discuss three types: private agency, independent and public agency.
Private agency - these agencies work with both the birth parents and the adoptive parents. They typically provide workshops, training and counseling for both entities. Some encourage open adoption, where there is some level of communication between the birth parents, adoptive parents and the adoptee (The adoption triangle). Costs include the homestudy, placement costs and can include medical expenses and living expenses for the birth mother. The agency usually has some minimum requirements for the birthparents. The homestudy can be quite extensive with this type of adoption. Also the birth parents choose who will adopt their baby. This type of adoption can be quite long in some cases, namely for white infants.
Independent – this involves working with a lawyer or possibly an adoption facilitator. The adoptive parents have more control over the process and control the search for a birth mother. The wait time can be relatively short and largely depends on finding a birth parent. The fees can be unpredictable and not as closely regulated as private or public agency adoption.
Public agency/Foster Care adoption – children who may have been taken away form their homes due to neglect, abuse or the death of their parents may be placed in foster care. The state works with the birth parents to determine their fit to parent again. If it is determined either by the state or the birth parents, then the child will become eligible for adoption. The great benefit here, is that this is usually free to adopt via this mechanism or of low cost. And there are subsidies that are provided by the state. However, the children are usually older and may have a variety of emotional, learning or physical issues, due to their history, that prospective adoptive parents must honestly consider.
With some caveats, in most cases for domestic adoption, the parent has to terminate parental rights (TPR) before a child may be legally adopted by prospective parents.
International Adoption:
This form of adoption has gained popularity over the years. In 2005, it was reported that more than 20,000 children from abroad were adopted. The orphanages and agencies abroad largely control this process and work with an agency or a lawyer or the adoptive parents directly. Thus concern over a birthmother changing her mind is minimized. There are many things to consider, like travel, cultural differences, possibly other factors. The time for international adoption in some cases may be shorter than domestic adoption, especially for parents who were initially interested in adopting a healthy white, infant. Some of the more popular countries for US parents are: China, Korea, and Latin America. The countries where adoptions are possible will depend on the political climate of that country which can dictate the quality of the adoption process.
This is just a quick overview of the types of adoption. The next post will cover costs for each type. For more information on the types of adoption: visit ago.mo.gov. A great resource on international adoption is The Whole Life Adoption Book by Schooler and Atwood.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Adoption 101 – The Process
Many people have asked us about the process, so we thought it would be a great idea to give an overview from what we have learned so far from our experience. We don’t know how many parts there will be to this “101” posting, but we want to be informative without being overwhelming. We are still relatively new and we're getting a crash course in adoption. We learn something new almost everyday.
After a couple or person, has decided to adopt, the first step is to seek what type of adoption is most suitable for you, public (run by the states) or private. We have chosen a private agency, Bethany Christian Services (we are not promoting them in any way, just stating a fact). We will do a separate post on the types of adoption, because there are several options.
Here's the basic outline of the adoption process as we know it:
1) Gather information (do your research, attend informational sessions, etc)
2) Complete the formal application (we also had to complete a preliminary application in order to qualify for the formal application)
3) Begin the Homestudy phase (this occurs once the formal application is approved; this is very involved, and requires a separate post entirely--- this part of the process can take several months. We are here!)
4) Officially enter the waiting list for a placement (the waiting period varies by adoption method and the “characteristics” of the child desired” (e.g. ethnicity, age, special needs, etc)
5) Placement of the child (depending on the adoption type, some placements may have legal risks)
6) Adoption finalization (after some time (~6 months or so), the adoption is finalized through the court system; the adoptive parents can officially give their child their last name)
The length of this entire process varies. We have read where some couples have waited for 5-7 years for placement! But we have witnessed where couples waited for only 6-8 weeks for placement after their homestudy. We believe that our placement will be in the much shorter range, because of our interest in an African-American infant.
Because of this timeline, we are in frenzy with everything. Learning about adoption, going through the process, figuring out how to get money for the process and the list goes on. Oh yeah, and we have to prepare to be actual parents! It’s exhausting to think about, but we are so excited to have this opportunity.
Follow our day-to-day journey on Twitter @OHD_psalm374.
After a couple or person, has decided to adopt, the first step is to seek what type of adoption is most suitable for you, public (run by the states) or private. We have chosen a private agency, Bethany Christian Services (we are not promoting them in any way, just stating a fact). We will do a separate post on the types of adoption, because there are several options.
Here's the basic outline of the adoption process as we know it:
1) Gather information (do your research, attend informational sessions, etc)
2) Complete the formal application (we also had to complete a preliminary application in order to qualify for the formal application)
3) Begin the Homestudy phase (this occurs once the formal application is approved; this is very involved, and requires a separate post entirely--- this part of the process can take several months. We are here!)
4) Officially enter the waiting list for a placement (the waiting period varies by adoption method and the “characteristics” of the child desired” (e.g. ethnicity, age, special needs, etc)
5) Placement of the child (depending on the adoption type, some placements may have legal risks)
6) Adoption finalization (after some time (~6 months or so), the adoption is finalized through the court system; the adoptive parents can officially give their child their last name)
The length of this entire process varies. We have read where some couples have waited for 5-7 years for placement! But we have witnessed where couples waited for only 6-8 weeks for placement after their homestudy. We believe that our placement will be in the much shorter range, because of our interest in an African-American infant.
Because of this timeline, we are in frenzy with everything. Learning about adoption, going through the process, figuring out how to get money for the process and the list goes on. Oh yeah, and we have to prepare to be actual parents! It’s exhausting to think about, but we are so excited to have this opportunity.
Follow our day-to-day journey on Twitter @OHD_psalm374.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Welcome to our adoption blog!
We hope that you enjoy the many posts that are to come. We will walk you through our journey into parenthood through adoption. And it indeed is a journey. Our commitment is being tested daily. But we are so excited and thrilled. We are blessed and honored that God has placed this on our hearts. You will get to know us and perhaps some of our family members ☺. More importantly we hope this will be quite educational for you. So far when we tell people the things that we have encountered in the process, they are mesmerized. We are certain that we will be very loud advocates when we have completed the process. It is also our hope that you will be led to contribute to our adoption fund and participate in our fundraisers.
Thank you and welcome to our life. Ted and Cherilynn
Thank you and welcome to our life. Ted and Cherilynn
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